A comment I made, became the topic of this article on abortion in cases of rape.

This Prolifeblogs combox discussion brought up the subject of abortion in cases of rape, when a brave woman spoke up:

We are so under represented in the media because it is corrupt and a brainwashing thing when put in the places it is...but we might have to fight back with brutal honesty to show up the lies. I was raped, suppressed it and a growing belly for 7 months, had a baby girl, and placed her for adoption. If you hear anyone use the stupid line again, "well what if you were raped, then why should you have to carry to term a baby?" Pleas refer them to me! I'm sick of them persuading people on stuff they don't even bother asking a real woman that has been through it about! Pro-lifers are tough in general, Pro-choice people are wimps (sorry, but it is true. I bet if we did a survey they would be the ones that cried as a kid if they didn;'t get picked something)
...Why do they assume automatically women can't handle it? Two wrongs dont make a right. I am so mad at the abortion industry, I cant explain it. Its just that they would made it so easy for me to walk in the door and kill my daughter that first day I found out I was pregnant (without telling my parents or anyone first) luckily I didn't thanks to God taking over. My opinion on everything changed full over after just a few days of letting the fact that this is a little life, sink in. But they made it so easy for me to kill my daughter, and since she means the world to me today, this grudge isn't going to ever go away until they are destroyed (the companies like planned parenthood...not the people destroyed)

She isn't the first victim of rape, nor in the minority of them, feeling this way. In replying to help readers know what we've long known from doing our own digging (instead of relying on the mainstream media), we had linked to this original post by friend and fellow blogger Rachael written in 2005, along with our blog's discussion about this very topic that ensued. In it we discuss this phenomenon of how women feel after being raped, some choosing abortion, some feeling duped into choosing it, others not choosing it.
In that AfterAbortion combox, we heard from "Susan G" about her rape experience, and from Julie who wrote that

"my mother was a rape victim at the age of thirteen. Twenty years later, when she sought an abortion for an unwanted pregnancy, she screamed throughout the procedure and had to be held down by nurses. She didn't have to say she was reliving her rape; she looked it during the retelling."

Those who support abortion in the case of rape never probably ever gave that a thought. But some surveys have found that many women do relive their rape experience during an abortion.
Imagine most of our society telling women they should HAVE to relive that experience by getting an abortion? Imagine the pressure??
Unless one has been raped, I don't think any of us can ever imagine what it's like to think about how similarly vulnerable the abortion experience is to that, even if it is supposedly a conscious choice. It's still physically vulnerable. The only way I survived my abortion was to deaden myself for over 20 years, starting with the exact moment I was up on that table spreading my legs for the male abortionist when I really, truly, didn't want to be there but believed I had no other choice, and I really, truly, didn't even think it was happening to me.
So, after redigging through all my prior research and all those horrific memories, images and feelings, I also decided to post this firsthand account which, I was surprised to realize, I'd never posted before. It is from a day in the life of one sidewalk "compassionate counselor," namely me, almost six years ago.]

APRIL 5, 2003, 7-10 am: Four or five turn-aways, plus one mom changed her mind today! God is good. There were not the usual 20-plus moms coming in either. And the "counselor's" car must have broken down since she arrived in a cab. The white male, mid-40ish escort from Westport walked slowly over to the chain-link fence by the alleyway today. The one I was standing behind. My tape player with the embryonic heartbeat tape was turned off for a few minutes. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him approach, wary that he might try to grab the boombox or me, remembering how Carmen got punched in the eye a month ago by an abortion clinic client who she thought was coming to talk with her.
Instead, he softly said to me, "You're Ann, right?" I was stunned. I had told him my name over a month ago, as he was leaving one day. Then, he hadn't acknowledged me, or told me his name. Abortion clinic escorts are taught to ignore us. BUT HE REMEMBERED MY NAME. I said yes, walking over to him, still separated by the fence. He then asked, "What do you think about abortion in cases of rape or incest?"
I said, "What's your name?" He told me his first name. For this post, though, I'll call him "Carl." I then replied, with pain on my face as though I was talking with a good friend, "Carl, knowing the risks women are exposed to from abortion, between increased risk of breast cancer and infertility, I wouldn't want to subject them to that, especially after the horror of a rape."
He answered, "My sister was raped, and she had an abortion, and she thinks it's the best thing she could do. How can you or anyone think she should have to have a child from such a horrible thing?"
This was not a hostile conversation. He was actually, quietly, engaging me, asking me my honest opinion.
I looked into his eyes and saw the searching, the pain, the anger at the rapist. The love for his sister. I almost cried, but I answered, "Honestly, Carl? Having an abortion is really, only victimizing a woman TWICE. I have endometriosis because of my abortion. I'm at much greater risk for breast cancer. She's now at risk too. And the rape was a violent act, but so is the abortion. Surely, you can see that, from these pictures the others are holding? And as horrible and painful as rape is, abortion for women who've been raped is really only victimizing women and girls TWICE, with a second violent act."
We were still just talking, honestly, pleadingly. No anger whatsoever. It was amazing. It was as if he was searching for some understanding, some clue as to why we really are there. Carl said, "But she is fine with it! And after all, it is her choice. It is up to her, we can't tell her what to do." I replied, "She may be telling you she's fine with it, but she could be in total denial like I was for decades. And to say it's none of anyone's business...really, Carl, that just ignores that there is a human life in there. Do you believe that there is a life in there? Do you believe that God made you and me?"
He said, "You play that heartbeat sound and make a big deal out of it, at 6 or 7 weeks, but that doesn't mean there is a heartbeat on the morning after!" I asked him, "Carl, are you Christian? Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" He answered, "I was raised that way, but...I don't really..."
I said, "So you don't really follow a faith like that anymore, OK, fair enough... But the scientific fact is that that baby has the same number of genes and chromosomes at conception as you and me...even if it doesn't have a heartbeat for 21 days, it's still a human life in there. I can show you scientist after scientist who has proved life begins at conception, that it's a one-celled human organism --"
He cut me off before I could say that, at conception, even a human's potential hair and eye color, height and weight are determined. He said, "To be human, it has to have a consciousness!" I answered, "No, Carl, it doesn't" but he dismissed what I began to say, walking away, exasperated.
I called to him calmly, "Carl, come on, talk with me please. Don't walk away. This is what I believe because of the scientific facts and also because I'm coming from a faith in Jesus Christ, and a belief that God creates all life."
He came back, upset, saying, "Why should she have to be punished by having a baby from a rapist? Are you saying God wanted that to happen to her, to be raped?"
[Sound familiar? Our new President also just said that not long ago, and he got it from the abortion industry's successful miseducation of the American people]
I gazed at him, trying to reach him with compassion, saying, "No, Carl, God didn't want or plan for her to be raped. He loves her, and all of us, and yet even God doesn't stop us from using our free will as that rapist did when he hurt your sister. But God did have a plan for that baby once it was conceived, even despite how it happened. It pains God that the guy did what he did, but God loves all life, and there are many women -- there's one woman right here, today -- who were raped who actually feel, even subconsciously, that keeping the baby is their way to make something good come out of something so bad, they feel as though keeping the baby proves they are better than the rapist. They can conquer the horror by doing something good."
At this, he looked at me incredulously and began to dismiss what I said. I asked him, "Don't you believe that allowing the baby to live is a better thing than what the rapist did to her? Isn't it a better thing to let the baby live?"
"Carl, we are not unfeeling people. My heart breaks for your sister, and especially because she is probably in denial that there really was a baby inside her. It's the only way she can go on thinking she's fine, to deny that. If she admitted it, it would get to her."
He asked me, "What do you think about the morning after pill, then?" I said, "Carl, if the woman is pregnant, that is really making an abortion happen too." He was astounded, throwing up his hands, saying that we were hopeless, starting to walk away. I replied, "Carl, we believe in a God who made us all and also the medical descriptions of the morning after pill show that it can end a pregnancy if conception has taken place. That is where WE are coming from, on this point. The morning after pill has the ability to end a pregnancy if there is one inside the woman, and it IS a life inside her."
Still, he turned and listened, then asked, "Do you think the Pill is OK, then?" I looked so sadly at him, and said, "No, Carl, because that can cause an abortion too, if the woman is pregnant." He was dumbfounded, really walking away then. I still called to him, "Come on, Carl, don't walk away. I listened to you. You asked me what I thought, let me finish telling you. If you believe that God created all of us and all this earth, then you must also believe that He created sex and all the other things we do, like eating. He created sex for two reasons, Carl: to show one other person that we truly love, bond with and give ourselves as a gift in love to that person, and to procreate. If we block one or the other of those purposes, we are playing God, we are blocking God's purposes for Creation. We believe that is wrong to do, especially when it causes an unknown but real abortion. That is why we are against the Pill and the Morning After Pill."
I brought over the lady whose 11-year-old daughter, born from a rapist's act, is the light of her life, and although Carl would not look or come over again, he had to have listened to her. She pulled out a picture of her beautiful daughter, telling him how proud and joyful she is to have her. How she does NOT remind her of her horrible rape so long ago. How she only reminds her of how good God is, and will be to all those who trust Him.
He refused to come back or look at us, but I continued talking to him, quietly, through the fence. "Carl, I'm a single mom, and I'm not in a relationship right now, but if I was, I have decided not to have sex unless and until I marry again because I believe in the reasons for which God gave us sex in the first place. My point in telling you this is that I am not telling anyone to resist something that I don't resist myself."
And I added, "You never know what your sister could really be feeling. She could have bottled it up so tightly. After all, how could she admit to you that she regrets her abortion? YOU come here and help OTHERS have them! She probably thinks you'd dismiss her feelings or even be angry with her. You never know. She's damned if she does admit it and damned if she doesn't. If she tells anyone, some pro-life people -- even some of the ones who are here today, the ones with bullhorns -- will condemn her. And the pro-choice people will call her crazy for feeling regret! They'll say she's unstable and it's all in her head! She CAN'T WIN, Carl. Both sides make it impossible for her to seek healing from her regret and pain. That's why so many women don't talk about their regret, Carl. NO ONE makes it easy."
I asked him, "Would you read some things if I brought you them, next time?" He dismissed it, saying it would only be pro-life-slanted sources. I said, "No, it will be personal stories from women just like your sister." He didn't answer. Then I told him I will be praying for him and for his sister, because I know he feels such pain for her.
That's why he's there. He thinks he's helping others just like her, to get rid of their pain and their shame.

RESOURCES:

1. Hope After Rape; Life After Rape: "The Face of the 'Rape Exception'"
2. Two women have come to the forefront to help women who have become pregnant through rape or incest, children conceived through sexual assault, and women who have had abortions as a result of these crimes (members throughout the U.S.): a) Kay Zibolsky, LIFE AFTER ASSAULT LEAGUE, 1336 West Lindberg St., Appleton, WI 54914. Phone: 920-739-4489.
   Kay is the author of the book, "The Sorrow of Sexual Assault and the Joy of Healing".
   b) Julie Makimaa is a so-called "product of rape" who has done much to bust the myth about abortion being the best choice for rape victims.
   She
   

   "compiled, Victims and Victors: Speaking Out About Their Pregnancies, Abortions, and Children Resulting from Sexual Assault. The book uses the combined experiences of 264 women and children and provides a definitive response to the argument for abortion in assault pregnancies. "She has testified before a number of state legislatures, lobbied Congress and appeared on numerous radio and television talk shows, including Donahue, Geraldo and Sally Jesse Raphael. Her story has appeared in many national newspapers and magazines, including the Los Angeles Times and Washington Times and Glamour."
   

   (She once founded the group called Fortress International, but I think that is no longer active.)
3. Surveys about women who have been raped:

   "In 1981, Dr. Sandra Mahkorn conducted the first major research of pregnant rape victims. She found that 75 to 85 percent chose against abortion."

4. For those skeptics who don't like prolife sources, then go here: Mahkorn, "Pregnancy and Sexual Assault," The Psychological Aspects of Abortion, eds. Mall & Watts, (Washington, D.C., University Publications of America, 1979) 55-69.
5. Feminists for Life
6. Christina Dunigan also has summarized some of these facts well in this article.
7. Since then, apparently, so has at least one other:

   "Professor Stephen Krason points out that "psychological studies have shown that, when given the proper support, most pregnant rape victims progressively change their attitudes about their unborn child from something repulsive to someone who is innocent and uniquely worthwhile."

   That leads to this footnote: "Krason, 284. For an overview of the research, see Sandra Kathleen Mahkorn, "Pregnancy and Sexual Assault," in David Mall and Walter F. Watts, M.D., The Psychological Aspects of Abortion (Washington, D.C.: University Publications of America, 1979), 67-68."
8. That PDF file quotes Dr. Stephen Krason's published book: "Dr. Stephen Krason writes:

   "A number of studies have shown that pregnancy resulting from rape is very uncommon. One, looking at 2190 victims, reported pregnancy in only 0.6 percent."

   (Abortion: Politics, Morality, and the Constitution, book published in 1984 [Lanham, MD: University Press of America, 1984], 283.)
9. One woman's story

We could go on and on.

Categories:

• Culture of Death,
• Life Stories,
• Media,
• Pro-Choice Fallacies,
• Pro-Life,
• Rape/Incest,
• Violence

5 Comments

Samantha | February 8, 2009 5:47 PM | Reply

This a very touching post! I am not religious, however, i have pictures of my daughter's 3D ultrasound at 7 weeks and 5 days and she had a face already! If you'd like a copy, email me. I'd be more than glad to share it!

juda | February 9, 2009 1:55 PM | Reply

Thank you for speaking up for people like me. Yes I was conceived when 8 men raped my mom. Her comment when I finally met her 3 yrs ago(at 48yrs old) was "I couldn't kill a kitten or a puppy, how could I kill an innocent baby?" She knew it wasn't my fault. She is my hero! And now responsible for 4 other humans living- my 2 sons, my grandson and now one other on the way! People shouldn't play God in that they determine who lives and who dies. Having forgiven those men my mother was able to live her life freely. There are many other "rape" stories but because the children are small these stories don't come out. Mothers want to protect themselves and their children. Or because of the stigma involved people fear rejection. I am secure in who I am. God chose a horrible situation to show how powerful He is to change things.I personally know one girl raped by her father and gave birth to a beautiful boy. She is actively involved in his life and the adopted parents are secure enough to agree. Now that's real life and freedom. (yes her father is in jail) I hope people rethink their thinking about life! My book Hostile Conception Living With Purpose can help at www.juda4praise.com

Annie B. | February 12, 2009 11:00 AM | Reply

Four days and not a peep from them.
Leaves them speechless, the pro-choice and pro-abortion folks who come here attacking us...
Their silence here on this post and the other one I posted, Juda's Story (while attacking, trolling and ridiculing us elsewhere on this blog) proves they don't really want to learn anything new. Some folks just don't want to hear the sound discussions answering the very beliefs and questions they put forth, in some cases, tauntingly and derisively.
I wonder if they bothered to read all this and the links provided, at all. Perhaps not.

birthmom.myopenid.com | February 12, 2009 2:03 PM | Reply

Hi!
I'm the girl who wrote the first comment about being raped and giving my child in adoption to a loving family. The one sick of the rape excuse line used by pro-choice activists. I wish they would just ask me once. It would feel so good to say, Yeah what about it, I was raped and I chose life over death...why wouldn't I?
For me the only thing that could of healed my trauma from the rape and allowed me to forgive the rapist as well was because of the birth of my beautiful precious daughter. I'm not saying it would be that way for everyone, but I think there is a much greater chance of being healed that way than through an abortion. An abortion certainty, WON'T heal the pain completely. I am so blessed in so many ways, and so glad it happened to me. My daughter has touched and saved over 100 lives and she isn't eve a year old yet. I'm biased yes, but there is really something amazing about that girl. Her adoptive parents can't explain it either. She radiates love.
She was a miracle in so many ways and shouldn't of survived. It is amazing waht prayers and God's grace can do!
Brooke
thestoryofagirl.com
"I will tell you something beautiful. We are fighting abortion by adoption - by care of the mother and adoption for her baby. We have saved thousands of lives" Mothera Teresa

Praying in the cold pays off

Building on the momentum of the just-finished 40 Days-Dallas vigil at Robinson's abortion center on Record Crossing Rd, and in light of the opening of the new Southwestern late-term abortion center, we have decided not to wait until next spring or fall to hold the next 40 Days for Life-Dallas Prayer Vigil.

Here's the plan
What: Winter 40 Days for Life-Dallas
When: Sat., December 12, 2009 – Fri., January 22, 2010
Where: Southwestern late-term abortion center
Address: 8616 Greenville Ave. (off Royal Ln in north Dallas)

What’s New?
This will be a modified vigil -- instead of 24 or 12 hours per day, we're asking for 4 hours of intense prayer from 8 a.m.- Noon (can adjust on Christmas Day).

We need churches and groups to sign up to adopt these 4-hour prayer vigil days. The minimum needed is two people praying per hour. We pray that God will hear our prayers that there will be at least 8 people of faith per day who are willing to come out and pray at the vigil site at Royal Ln and Greenville Ave during these 40 Days.

Praying in the cold pays off
The first Dallas winter campaign was in 2004 in front of Aaron’s late-term abortion center. The Winter 40 Days Vigil was extremely sacrificial - it was cold and took place over the holiday season. But God honored our sacrifice, and not only did Aaron's late term abortion center close in the summer of 2008, bringing the number of abortion centers in Dallas from six to five, but as you drive eastbound on LBJ Freeway between Preston and Hillcrest, you will see that the former facility where so many babies lost their lives has been leveled to the ground, without even a trace.

Visit http://www.prolifedallas.org/pages/40_Days_Sign_Up to sign up for the 40 Days Winter Campaign. You can also contact Campaign Director Milissa Kukla at 40days@prolifedallas.org.

Catholic Pro-Life Committee


Please help spread the word to others about this critical life-saving prayer effort!  For more information, to adopt a day for your church, or to sign up to pray for a half hour or more at the vigil, contact Campaign Director Milissa Kukla at 972-313-0208, 40days@prolifedallas.org, or visit www.prolifedallas.org/40days. All are welcome!
  Click here to view the list of adopted & available days.
  Click here for event flyer in English.
  Click here for event fler in Spanish.
 

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I know you still remember

I know you still remember
On that April Day
When you gave birth to me
and had to walk away

I know it is not because
You did not care for me
You only wanted what was best
And that is how it had to be

It takes a very strong person
To give a child away
Doing what is right for the child
No matter what others might say

I think of you often
And wonder who you are
If I will ever know you
And if I am up to par

I hope to get the chance
To talk to you some day
I have so many questions
So many things to say

I want you to know that I love you
And I always will
I hope to have the opportunity
To tell you how I feel

All I can hope for
Is that you feel the same way
Please do not turn away from me
And not hear what I have to say

I promise to honor
whatever you choose
I have to take a chance and find you
what have I got to lose

Poem to my Birthmom by Patti Vinsison

Vote YES on the Pitts-Stupak Amendment!!!

Vote on Pro-Life Amendment TODAY!

For the last couple of weeks, SBA List activists and pro-life groups have been lobbying Members of Congress to vote on the only amendment that would explicitly exclude funding for abortion in Pelosi's health care bill. Well, late last night, we found out that TODAY there will be a vote on the Stupak-Pitts Amendment! It all comes down to this vote tonight. I need you to call Rep. Joe Barton immediately.  Tell your Representative to vote YES on the Stupak-Pitts Amendment. This vote is going to be VERY close, so please call right now.   Representatives will be keeping track today of how many calls they receive from back home and if they are undecided on how to vote, how many folks call them will make a difference.  Here are your talking points: The Pitts-Stupak Amendment is the only amendment that provides clear language that prohibits federal funding of elective abortions and plans that cover elective abortions. Vote YES on the Pitts-Stupak Amendment. Here is the number to reach your Representative: Rep. Joe Barton Phone: (202) 225-2002 If you haven't already, please take a look at our new TV ad with Americans United for Life Action and the Stop the Abortion Mandate Coalition here: http://www.youtube.com/user/stopabortionmandate#p/a/u/0/9iPym0GvYEg Please send the video to all of your friends and family and tell them how important it is that they join you in calling today. This is it!  For Life,

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The birth mom gig

This birthmom deal is not at all like I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my decision! I know she was meant to be adopted into her family. I am still so amazed at how clear that was. It's just that post-adoption is nothing at all like I thought, not even close. Not worse, not better, just different. I guess all I had to go on was my own imagination at the time! Come to think of it, I don't know how I pictured it, maybe I didn't..Or maybe God was helping me see the goodness and love in it, and I just forget now at times. When I saw her and her family together in person or in pictures, it just made me so happy. It always has, I just don't get to see as many pics as before.

It just seemed much more "do-able" then. It still is, it's just that every emotion that I think should be next, is always the total opposite in reality. Usually my body starts aching when I am trying to avoid an emotion, and it isn't until my body gives out that I will acknowledge the pain. I'm just all over the place with my feelings. It's an overall icky feeling when time goes by and the memory of someone you can see slowly drifting away. It's like you know that's supposed to happen and it is how anyone grieves a loss and gets better over time, but I want to fight it inside with all my heart too! Is that self-destructive behavior then? Cause I don't want to follow the steps anymore in my grief processing pamphlet. I want to just call it a day and set up base at #6 for a while. If I were her (my daughter), I don't think I would want...yeah I'm sure I wouldn't want, to be forgotten in the least bit. Even if she resented me for the adoption, I would like her to know I never went a second without thinking about her. But it's not about holding onto it because I feel guilty and think it will hurt her to move on (that is the common response I get from people) It's more selfish than that. Instead I can't (or it feels I can't) let go because I think it will hurt ME to do so. If it's biological, then why try process anything, it's ingrained in you. Maybe it is inevitable though, the mind just will forget... and that just, well, sucks. That's my feeling about the dang grief processing model!

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. - C.S. Lewis

I don't lie the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief (that is just not enough steps 4 me) Looking at any grief processing theory, even with 10 steps, doesn't make you thrilled for the future...
I found this articel and website interesting: http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/adoption4.html
And this little quote proves my beliefs on attachement may be true:

"Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn't begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the primal wound'." So writes Nancy Verrier in her book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child (1993).

But what a fetus most needs--from the earliest moments after conception--is to feel a sense of connection with its mother, a feeling from her that he or she is loved, but more than just loved, welcomed--if not on the practical, physical level of knowing for sure that she will ultimately parent the child, then on the more spiritual realm of recognizing it to be a child of God, an innocent being that needs nurturance in this moment.
A woman with a crisis pregnancy may not feel entitled to bond with her baby. She may believe--like society in general tends to believe, especially if she is even considering adoption for her child--that it is her "job" not to do what is usually the natural thing, which is to embrace that baby on some level. I think it's critical that a woman in this circumstance be supported and guided in following her instinct to connect with her baby, with the crucial--and perhaps liberating--understanding that the unknown future of their relationship together need not--and should not!--dictate that she not connect with the baby now.

I dream of a big happy house with lots of smiles and laughs and good food and music on the radio, and oh how I wish that for you...will you have that? I don't know right now what will await you, or me, after you arrive into this world... But whatever home you have later, I want your home now to be secure. As I rub my belly I wonder what you feel in there, do you feel my love for you? Do you feel my fear, too? You probably do, but feel my love more, okay? Feel my love...

Hand in hand with this sense of not being entitled to claim the baby, there is sometimes the feeling of shame on the part of a woman facing a crisis pregnancy, that she's made this big "mistake", perhaps feels that she's letting lots of people down--her parents, her boyfriend, etc.--and may not even feel worthy of claiming the baby inside her. The feeling may be that she'll "save" the baby by staying detached from it: "I'm not going to screw up your life, too."
A woman having these types of feelings can hopefully be led to an understanding that regardless of how she views herself--or how anyone else "on the outside" may view her--and regardless of her difficult circumstances, the most important thing for her baby is to feel her very real, claiming presence. She needs to know that she is everything to her baby, if only for this short time in her womb.

Here is a summary on grief processing theories over the years:
Grief is a Natural process. Everyone has griefs, both large and small:

• A large grief might be the loss of a loved one grief, a rape grief, incest grief, or loosing a limb grief.
• A small grief might be the canceling of an important event like the next bif family wedding, or cutting yourself on broken glass during dishes.

the biblical phrase "Grieve Not" - it’s real, but really says, "Grieve with hope".

The first Study (I think) on grief was by Dr. Erich Lindeman, Harvard College, Scholarly paper "Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief" published in the American Journal of Psychiatry in the 1960’s. The grieving person has to "extricate himself from the bondage to the deceased and find new patterns of rewarding interaction." The study found differences between 'normal grief' and 'morbid grief':

• Normal grief achieves the separation.
• Morbid grief is self-perpetuating and never ending.

Dr. Lindeman then described 5 things he saw in acute grief. These are now known as the "Five Stages of Grief" and are relatively well known in the counseling realm; at least my mother the pastor has talked about them since she was in seminary as something everyone knew or should know. So: here goes.
The 5 Stages of Grief: (traditional)

1. Somatic Distress: Physical pain, usually in your heart or forehead. (Note: I haven’t ever grieved by finding my big toe hurt a lot. That’s another problem, relating to the pickle jar you were just holding)
2. Preoccupation with the image of the deceased.
3. Guilt
4. Anger
5. Loss of patterns of conduct

People don’t always move between them in order; Everyone doesn’t have each stage in an equal amount;, People can be in more than one stage at once.

There’s some new thinking on this subject. (My most plausible) Many books now refer to there being 10 stages. The Ten Stages of Grief (developed over last 10 years)

Ten Stages of Grief

1. SHOCK: Anesthetized against the overwhelming loss. Not comprehending and not able to face the full magnitude of it.

2 EMOTIONAL RELEASE: Beginning to realize how dreadful the loss is. Venting or releasing these feelings is better than trying to repress them.

3. 3 DEPRESSION, LONELINESS AND UTTER ISOLATION: Feeling of “No help for me.” Down in the depths of despair. Should know this is a NORMAL feeling. Aided by EXPRESSED CONCERN.
4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS: “Ill” with symptoms related to the loss. Best help is to understand the grief process
5. PANIC: Convinced “something is wrong with me” as a person, can concentrate on little else. May fear losing the mind.
6. GUILT FEELINGS: May recall own past neglect, mistreatment, or wrong to the deceased. Wrongs may be imaginary or exaggerated. But they may be REAL wrongs with REAL guilt. Confession and unburdening of real guilt gives best relief. “Forgiveness” of real wrongs, as if they were imaginary, is no adequate solution.
7. HOSTILITY: Feeling better leads to expressing self more actively. Hostile expressions toward those who “caused” the loss are common. Such hostility is normal but not to be encouraged.
8. INABILITY TO RENEW NORMAL ACTIVITIES: Cannot get back to “business as usual.” Must bear loss alone, since others are back to normal activities. Need encouragement to face new realities, not to be sheltered from them.
9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES: Not “old self again,” because there is a new situation. Stronger, deeper, better for having faced and overcome the disaster.

Newborn Adoption:
The Lifelong Psychological Matrix
Column Editor, Marcy Axness, Ph.D.

Painful Lessons:
What We Must Learn About Open Adoption, For Our Children's Sake

Let Us Judge Not

A Different Kind of Relationship:
Thoughts on Adoption

Between Adoptive Parents and Birth Mothers:
More Thoughts on "A Different Kind of Relationship"

Saying Hello Before Good-Bye
Keeping a Birth Mother's Journal

The Profound Importance of a Mother's "Hello"

What Is The Primal Wound?
Understanding The Trauma of Infant-Maternal Separation

Selections From Adoption Wisdom

A Therapist Counsels Adoptive Parents
Marcy Axness Interviews Wendy McCord

Guilt, Shame, and Grief: An Empirical Study of Perinatal Bereavement

A birth mom’s view of adop­tive parent’s profiles

I lived with 31 birth mom's ages 13-45, so I got a pretty good feel of some different perspectives from them. Hope it helps!

I wrote this on my Adoption Network Group on Linkedin. The group seems to learn a lot from each other. You can join if you want, just click the link! It is also on Birth Mom Missions, of course.

I know a lot of time and thought goes into most adoptive parent's profile. Here are some things I looked for when choosing a family, and some things I didn't look for too.
I looked for photos and content that showed an active outdoor lifestyle. Showing how you would take them snow skiing, to the beach, to the lake, to historical monuments, etc...All the things we birth mothers can't give them and want them to have.
One of the main reasons that a lot of girls. including me, went through with an adoption, was because we wanted our child to have a mother and father. So I'd suggest somehow showing that your relationship is sturdy and will last

Big thing for me. The other kids! How many cousins, relatives, close friends have young children. I want her to grow up with playmates and peers and have FUN. So cute shots of your niece and nephew playing are a plus. don't overkill on the pics with you surrounded by kids though.  It's too obvious, and looks like your kinda weird....jk!
Grandma and Grandpa are a plus... (but not a requirement)

I wanted a strong Christian family, that really followed God and worked daily to know Him more. That's hard to convey in pics and words...but some do it very well.

I am not suggesting anyone lie, it's best to be honest on everything. You don't have to be the CEO of some huge company for us to think your financially secure...(almost anything was more security than I could offer at the moment) Sometimes the profiles look too much like a job application or recommendation letter..
All of the girls (I mean, huge pregnant girls) shared profiles with each other and when they decide on one they would pass it around the room, half bragging over their choice and half scared they missed something and picked the wrong one. I had my roommate go thru it a dozen times for me, just in case I mssed some huge warning flag .(like something in the background that would give them away..haha) We ruminated over those profiles for days, it was probably the first time any of us ever experienced what it was like to be a mom, and make decisions so crucial toyour child's future! What if? What if ? I had God answering me quite a bit then though! But after the decision is finally made, for good, on a couple, I have never seen anyone change their mind. In a way this is when the process begins where the birth mom slowly falls in love with the family of her choice (maybe because we know we have to or maybe it just comes natural. I'm leaning on the natural side, because (speaking for myself) I wasn't thinking all that deep then! I was just wondering what my body was going to do next, and "is that normal?" haha
My "counselor" case worker asked me if I could pick five things very detailed what would they be. So I said mainly just for fun because I knew no one would have EVERYTHING  I wanted for her. But the next day, what do ya know? She handed me "the profile"  "My wishlist" of the perfect family was: 1. They had to be from Texas and live in Texas and love Texas (simple request,lol) That is just important to me.. I want her to grow up with lakes and land and friendly people all around her!  2. I said I wanted a sports family, football especially. I wanted a dad that went to a Texas college and after college watched almost every football game. (is a UT grad Longhorn for life, close enough!) I wanted him to be tall and strong and very protective. (This was all what I just came up with for fun when she asked, I'm not really this shallow. It is just amazing that the family was what I described jokingly the day before. I even said 3. I'd prefer a blonde mom (cause I am blonde? Maybe a weird way of "kinda" like me. Then when we met after she is all grown up, I wouldn't seem like such a foreign figure to her..yeah I thought that out a little too much. There is always hair dye) 4. I said a big backyard. there's was huge! 5. I wanted a Christian family (that was the main #1 factor a profile had to have before I would even consider it. That is just me though. Most of the other girls did not care one bit about their religion, and "really a Christian" who walk with god daily. 6. I slipped in how I'd like if they have boat on the lake, and were naturally athletic in their genes (cause she will be) and yep they actually had that one too. All of these things were shown in their profile, that is why I was truly shocked. They picked these out as important, if they put in on these pages...we think alike too! Ok, that was freaky and rare...but point is, there is a perfect fit for everyone, and it will happen!

I fell in love with my daughter's parents as soon as I saw their profile. But it was when I met the mother a few days later, that it truly sealed the deal. It was like I had known her all my life.  We taped the adoption day (all 4 hours of it) and the mother I chose and I, had the exact same movements and cues. I mean we would both turn our head the same way at the time in response to something we heard...like that. It was cool too watch. I wanted to tell them that day, but everyone suggested I read some more profiles first and sleep on it. So I did...but when you know, you just know. 
God was all over our adoption, I guess no one saw it from my point of view though. I knew what I was doing and I knew what God was doing through me. I haven't ever been sure of myself or able to make decisions.. it was SO Not Me in charge at all. For the first time I understood, I felt it, what God's ultimate sovereignty really means. Nothing is done by mistake, it is ALL in His plan. God is God and he authors all. My rape brought much suffering, but He planned that to show me this new view of him. (And to complete a family, save my life, let me love this way, etc etc) Before all of this, I thought evil happens and then God sees it and then uses it for good..I was totally short changing God and bringing him down to my human level so I could understand. We can't understand and that is what makes his gift of salvation so much sweeter. And isn't it easier to live when you know whatever bad happens, God put it there for a reason (that is ALWAYS for your ultimate good)  I am so preachy today. Geez.. Sorry. 
What I was trying to get to was.....Don't sweat the profiles or the waiting period, enjoy it, because only God can make it happen.  In my experience, it isn't until you give up, that God starts making things happen.

The online parent profile blogs, which I have seen lately, are a wonderful way to put it all in order! I love them! Our adoption was no where near that open. I thought an "open" adoption meant you get letters.  Now I know. The agency even keeps the parent's last names  secret and so I won't know my daughter's middle or last name until -? So when I later saw couples posting there entire lives online for birth moms to view, I was shocked! The agencies can get in the way, that is for sure.

Another bonus is to have the husband describe the wife's personality and the wife describe the husband.  It allows you to say so much more.  Describe your partner's personality, but don't forget to put something romantic in too! (what made you fall for her, or what is your favorite thing about you wife, etc...) The romantic stuff is cute and needed in any relationship, just don't go overboard with it.  A little genuine love will go along way when a birth mother sees it between you both. I think most of us b moms would rather not our child go through a divorce as well as an adoption at birth.

Try to make fun of each other in your profile. I liked the ones with a sense of humor. Like ur adoptive mom (the Hopeful AP then) was so excited/nervous/happy all at once. She was just real. for instance the both put there favorite tv shows, and maatter how random of a show it would have been, I know they would be honest. There was an equal mix of humor and seriousness. Like I didnt want the perfect family" if there is such a thing...I wanted the family most like me and I am... well random.

Oh a gift (after the birth mom chooses you) is a nice gesture! I mean a card or some cookies. My AP's gave me these comfy pajamas, and I wear them a lot now and feel closer to her(my daughter) for some reason. I got flowers in the delivery room! I loved that. They were the only ones I got and they came at the perfect time! Don't fall for the old line, " I wanted to get her a card, but then I thought it  might bring up old memories" That is BS, like we need a card to conjure up a memory, my daughter is always with me. And we don't get mad or offended very easily anyways. I found this out through research and through personal experience. Befor ewe were birth moms, many of us had a common personality aready, which allows one to do such a thing.

These are some of the responses (names changed for pri­vacy) It seemed to help a few, so maybe it can help more par­ents strug­gling with these silly pro­files. It’s too much pres­sure to put all of your­self in one lit­tle flip book, if you ask me. But it’s also dif­fi­cult to choose a future for your child based off of that to. That is why I say, if your going to try adoption, you must have a ton of faith and hope!  I have no clue, but i imagine the waiting would be hardest part. You have to just close your eyes,  pray and jump in.  We need to work out a bet­ter sys­tem though for getting to know the parents. My solu­tion for every­thing these days is to video­tape instead! But not sure how that would go over with the agencies.

I could go on forever with more on this subject. At least I learned a lot out of the time spent with 30 hormonal and hungry woman in the same space! Our room turned into the "counseling" room somehow. And that is where you learn EVERYTHING about someone. See that's why I feel so strongly that birth moms need a birth mom counselor thru the process, there are just things you can't ask or can't say to anyone but another birth mother. This also helps the AP's too, because the bm's decision is well thought out with the other birth mom (all scenarios have been tried out) and she is sure you are the parents for her child. Thus we avoid the "I changed my mind, oops" reaction after you have already fallen in love. (and those are rare horror stories, promise) Actually only .01% of adoptions are contested by the birth mom later. So the Lifetime Channel needs to come up with a different storyline!

1. yes, it is a help. I am strug­gling to com­plete our pro­file at this time. I’m a graphic designer by day and there­fore am want­ing our pro­file to be PERFECT and I know I’m mak­ing myself crazy over it. We are just nor­mal peo­ple who want a fam­ily. I find it dif­fi­cult to “sell” our­selves. This is help­ful.
   
   
   
   
   Just be who you are. Don’t be what your not. Show your heart and show you care. Show that you are loved and can give love. Love is more impor­tant than any mate­r­ial things. I was adopted and I have won­der­ful parents.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   
   
   Brooke, my adopted daugh­ter is now 12-1/2 (she was 6 months old when we “got” her). Your sug­ges­tions would have been most wel­come back then. This is a ter­rific post and I’m sure that a lot of poten­tial adoptive par­ents will appre­ci­ate your input. BTW — I couldn’t pos­si­bly love my daugh­ter any more — God had her in mind for our fam­ily. She blesses my day every sin­gle minut
   
   
   
   
3. 
   
   
   
   
   Director at Birth Mom Missions Thank you so much Nancy! What you said about your daugh­ter, is exactly what I hope to hear form my child’s parent’s some day. Thank you! I love adop­tion because of peo­ple like you. I know what you mean, some things you just feel God’s hand in it, and it was so clear to me she was meant for her fam­ily. It’s so cool how chil­dren can bless us every minute of the day just by being alive. I feel like my daugh­ter blesses me every­day too, even though I can’t see her.
   
   
   
   
   
   

This story is like mine, but so much better!!

Her name is Ann too! I hope I get to talk to her someday soon. Her daughter is like the other side to my story too! Hope someone reads and decides against an abortion today...

Ann and Juda Mye

Late one evening in 1956, a 22-year-old woman walked home alone in the dark from a movie theater – but, as she tells her story, she would not make it to the house before eight young men would brutally beat and rape her in the streets.

The woman, Ann, recalled the horrifying sexual assault in a video about her experience in St. Louis, Mo. This is her story:

"I walked home which was about eight blocks, and when I got close to home there was a used car lot, and there were eight men in there," she said. "They grabbed me and attacked me. And I made it home after they attacked me and beat me up and did a few other things."

A child conceived in rape

Already shaken by the traumatic sexual assault, Ann made a shocking discovery when she went to stay with her parents in Jackson, Miss.

"At that time, I didn't know I was pregnant," she said. "Three months later, I found out I was, and my parents didn't want me to have the baby, let alone keep it."

Her mother insisted that she have an abortion, Ann said. But she adamantly refused.

"I didn't believe in destroying her, so I had her," she said in the video. "And they forced me to give her up."

Now that little baby, Juda Myers, is grown and shares her inspirational story of life.

"She knew I was a human," Myers told WND. "She said she couldn't kill a kitten or a puppy, much less a human baby."

Forgiveness beyond human imagination ... 'Think No Evil' by Jonas Beiler and Shawn Smucker will challenge you to examine your willingness to show grace to those who don't deserve it.

A Methodist minister and a Catholic priest were instrumental in helping Ann follow through with her plan to deliver the baby. The priest took Ann to a Catholic charity in Shreveport, La., where Myers was born.

"She gave me up for adoption," Myers said. "She didn't want to do that, but under the circumstances she had to."

When Ann was recuperating in the home following childbirth, an elderly lady brought the new baby to see her. Ann held the baby often, but when Myers was only 3 months old, she was adopted by another family.

Ann was given a photograph, and it remained her only memory of her baby for 48 years.

A tearful reunion

Myers' new parents

were open about the adoption and told the little girl she was adopted at a very young age.

"My adoptive parents always told me that I was very special because I had two sets of parents," she said. "They insisted on letting me know that I was loved. I did wonder why I was given up."

In 2005, almost 49 years later, Myers said she contacted an agency to help her find her birth mother.

"I wanted to be able to research her address and go there to thank her for giving me life," Myers said. "I wanted to be able to get those words out before she'd say, 'I don't want to have anything to do with you. Leave me alone.'

"All I wanted in life was to thank this woman for giving birth to me."

But Ann called Myers in December and left a voicemail message before Myers could acquire the address.

She said, "Hi, this is Ann, and I'm interested in what you have to say. I'm sorry I missed you. … If you're my long-lost daughter, God bless you. If you're not, give me a call anyway. I'd love to know what you want. God bless you, too."

Myers immediately called Ann, but Ann could not hear her because a group was Christmas caroling in the background.

"I asked, 'Is this Ann?'" Myers recalled. "She said, 'Honey, you are going to have to speak up. I can't hear you.'"

"I shouted, 'As far as I know, I'm your daughter!'"

Ann broke into tears.

"While I was saying this, the choir was in the background singing 'Gloria,'" Myers said with a chuckle.

She arranged to fly to her birth mother's nursing home, but she was apprehensive about the reunion. Would Myers' features remind Ann of her attackers on that horrific night?

"I have bright blue eyes, and I was so afraid that my mother probably would have had brown eyes," she said. "I thought I might look like one of the rapists, and I didn't want to meet her looking like him."

But when Myers approached the reception desk, she heard, "Juda?"

"I turned around, and I saw the brightest blue eyes," she recalled. "It was just amazing to be able to see eyes that resembled mine. It was a surreal moment."

Ann sat in her wheelchair, clutching the photo of her little baby.

"She was holding that picture in her hands after 48 years," Myers said. "She had never let it go."

Message of forgiveness and life

After speaking with her birth mother for more than an hour, Myers asked Ann about the circumstances of her conception. Ann explained that she had been raped by eight young men one night outside of a used car lot in St. Louis when she walked home from the movie.

"I was on my knees, and I was crying," Myers said. "I put my head in her lap and cried."

But Ann's reaction to her daughter's weeping astonished Myers.

"She just patted me and said, 'Honey, stop crying. I've forgiven those men."

She continued, "Look what God has done. He's brought you back to me. God is faithful."

When Myers returned home, she wrote a song for her mother and recorded it on a CD. She titled it "God Is Faithful."

"I went back, and I gave her that song as a gift," Myers said. "As she listened to the song, she just stared at me.

"In my entire life, I have never felt that kind of love. It was the most incredible moment."

Myers said her mother is her "hero" for forgiving her eight attackers and allowing her baby to live.

Because of Ann's decision to save the life of one baby 53 years ago, five people are alive today – including Myer's one-week-old grandbaby. She now has two sons and two grandsons.

Myers' son, Jason, daughter-in-law, Veronica,  and new grandbaby, Jackson (photo: Juda Myers)

Myers, a singer, songwriter, artist and author, wrote a book about her experience titled, "Hostile Conception: Living With A Purpose."

"The main thrust of the book is how to forgive any offense, because my mom forgave," she said. "I forgave."

Now, Myers shares that message, seeking to inspire people wherever she goes. She has been to South Africa and is planning a trip to orphanages in India to share her music and testimony of God's love.

She has accepted an invitation from Harvard Right to Life to speak at Harvard University on Oct. 20. Myers also plans to accompany Molly White, founder and director of Women for Life International, to the United Nation's Commission on the Status of Women's Conference.

Conceived in rape and dedicated to sharing her story of life and forgiveness, Myers urges women to choose life instead of abortion.

She told WND she has an important message for women who experience unplanned pregnancies

:

"If you ever find yourself in this situation, be a hero.
By Chelsea Schilling
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