May 25, 2010

My Little Life Saver!

My Little Life Saver... 
This is one of my favorite pics of her. It's was taken during the 30 days we had after labor, but before the adoption. ( The best 30 days of my life) It was around this time about 2 yrs ago. Her look here kinda personifies that time perfectly, she looks like she would say, "Mommy, where are they taking me today and why can't I stay with you?" It is so hard to look back and see the truth sometimes of what you really did. She will be fine I know. But I also know she could of had it better, if I only knew then what I know now. So Ladies, if I could do one thing over again I'd of fought for as much time as I wanted with her! She was still my baby at the time. Somehow "they"convinced me 7 hrs was the max for the day, then 4, then 3, and they kept telling me how no one has ever had the baby for 30 days and visited with them for the entirety of those days. I guess the expected me to hit the road after a week and just leave her in their care till she was with her family? Yeah right (later you can see why too) Most all the adoptions, at our agency took place on the 4th day. But because legal father issues this was a "safer bet for the adoptive parents not to get hurt if I didn't follow through" I had wanted her to go straight to them from the hospital ( I mean through me first, of course...then to her new family, not wait in some "transitional family" that would just confuse her bonding process even more! I wanted her to bond with her new mom and I knew how crucial those first few days were for that relationship,I thought we all just wanted what was best for her like that. But they (were advised again) to wait till the 30th day to be sure I would follow through. But I signed the"release of all ownership of the child" on the 15th day (which I felt unnecessary if still 30 days to go) but it "eased everyones mind" apparently, and I got to get them off my back so I could spend time with my daughter, and stop being interupted. Besides after all it didn't really make a difference, right? I was told that... but oh it did! She went to hospital after that and me not being her mom after the 15th day could not go see her. scariest time of my life. You never know what might come up in an adoption! Never be too sure!
Basically, I wish my word was enough, but it never was during that time. I told them I could see her 24/7 and still place her... because it didn't matter my "attachment" to her.... I was her mom, and I was attached already for petes sake! I was going to do the best thing for her regardless of my own emotions. (That iswhat being a mom is all about) I was thinking, "I mean give me a little credit here people, or else they were totally missing the point of this whole adoption thing!" I knew the best thing was for her to go w/ her amazing family that were unlike any others I had thought about it countless days and nights and didn't make the decision lightly. But knowing all that, if I didn't have God with me at the time, I never could been so positive that she was meant to be with them (it reall is a miracle the story how we met) I always say that I didn't really do it that day, God did, cause I was not letting gofor the life of me....until this overwhelming feeling of love came over me and trust when I looked into this couples eyes. It was surreal.(watching the tape of it now is freaky) That's kinda why I loved it so much though, adoption....because it was kinda like grace (in a way, which I won't get into here)
But point is I gotta vent how frustrating it is when here you are trusting this couple you recently met with your most precious gift, giving them responsibility over both of your futures, and on the other hand.... they are hiding their last name and using a 1888 phone number with you. (only because trained by an old fuddy duddy adoption case worker I think. You know how they start prepping them for the interactions with the strange woman giving her child away, form day one. Oh if we are so wishy-washy, then why is it only .o1% of birthmoms ever try and contest the adoption or take it back. We are not stupid. I may have a different opinion on adoption now, but that would be pure cruel to uproot a child from the family I gave her too! We love them more than ourselves, that's the point I don't think many get) I mean I thought I could at least know her last name, or middle even.
I told them her name was Ann Elaine, but they changed the first anyway. I was upset but again, I thought it was all normal and I WAS the lucky one apparently. Anyway, in the end I had to let go eventually. Point is, I don't think the parents really cared all that much about the details at all, I think they were just ecstatic to meet their child ya know...and the case workers put in the secrecy in our "open" adoption.... I was a born pushover though, and I remember 4 of the other bmoms I lived had stood up for what they wanted and got it! So don't be afraid, what was I afraid for? ...I'm sure time will tell. So now it is just crazy! She lives within a 35 mile radius of me apparently, yet I know nothing about her name or location! Sorry didn't mean to get so in the details...i needed to vent.

If only there were round 2 of an adoption, we would all be pros. I managed to take 24 hours of tape of just her and I playing. I recommend the video camera is a must! That first month is priceless. she also had emergency hospital visit I wasn't allowed to go to on 11th day and her first "transitional" family took her to the rodeo twice before she was 4 days old and had a pet giraffe named Larry! No joke.. In this instance I had no problem raising hell & getting her out of that house to the lady I had chosen for her to be with months ago! I don't know how but she was always happy and to this day never cries unless she is sleepy or to poop! She is a trooper! And thank goodness, cause her mom was not as sharp as she should of been at the time
I can't show any recent photos of her, cause then I might not get any anymore, ya know. But of the ones I took, I think I am allowed to brag and show her off all I want. That's all I ask for. If anyone wants to see "privately" the adoption actually taking place...I had the video on during EVERYTHING, for that specific reason. It sure would of helped me to see one before hand. It's a great peak into the human psyche, everyone in the room didn't know what or how they would react at that crucial time. I can't show it publicly, or I wood, cause it shows the whole family and all the case workers in it. But someday I'd like to use some of it at least as an "instructional" or informative video for girls to watch if the wonder what adoption day is really like. If we take the guessing and fear out of the process, I guarantee more successfully adoptions would result (cause the reason to back out at last moment is just fear of the unknown I imagine) and everyone would be slightly more well adjusted post adoption if this event were give more thought before hand. So many little things you would never think of to do or ask come out during this time. I was already planning the mission in my head, even before her birth, cause I knew...if here I am surrounded by 30 pregnant women living together with individual adoption "counselors for' each of us, and I STILL couldn't get any real info are answers to my questions, then there was something wrong that needed fixed. It is important for us to get inside the birth mother dorms at agencies and be allowed to speak with them and make a presentation. We had classes on adoption procedures everyday...At least one should of been from a birth mother. So I must not make an agency seem too bad, some are good too, if I ever want to make that happen. Any agency though that lets an outsider such as a birth mother come in to address the women, is an agency that deserves at least boosting in my eyes. We could start slowly in reaching the women. Who knows in some cases (like mine) watching the adoption process before hand and learning the ropes might actually make the girls more inclined to do adoption, and the ones it doesn't push towards relinquishment, you can be sure there is a good reason why they didn't.

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