Just a add on note to my post from earlier this week Saying Goodbye, about the beautiful time spent “talking” with my baby girl before the adoption.
This is a great conclusion to it, by John Piper: The Precious Gift of Baby Talk
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I found some poems, courtesy of adoption.org, by birth mother’s. They are posted below. It just got me thinking….and so became this post:
I have a few hundred poems and letters myself, but too hard to conjure up all those feelings and still complete a coherent message. Maybe in five years I can. I just hope this entry will express how many birth mother’s their are out their silently weeping and almost invisible in a sense. Think of all the adoptees there are in the world, they all came from somewhere! I see support group after support group at local churches for adoptive families, adoptees, and even women who have had abortions….but none for the woman that wake up everyday longing for the other piece of her heart, yet knowing she was the one who took it away. I don’t see how this great need for support has managed to go unseen by so many for so long! It seems crazy to me, that we birth mother’s have to search so hard to find any local group or anything to offer support. Even the few support groups that may be offered, are not run by birth mother’s…and I’m sorry, but that does us no good. We need women that have been through it. I can only help those that will go through this after me, and I’m not sure if 6 months has given me enough experience to offer much wisdom. Who would believe when I say it will be better in five years? I’m glad most birth mother’s these days seem to have a strong faith and God by their side as support. I don’t see it possible without Him.
So, it’s just harder for birth mom’s than the public thinks it is. Even Mother Teresa sees adoption as a way for “unwanted children” but that phrase is like a shot right in the heart of a birth mother. To us they were wanted more than life itself! But Mother Teresa was referring to the missions she worked with in Calcutta and in those cases it was more likely that the mother just didn’t want the child. So she was right (didn’t mean to infer she wasn’t) but when people apply this saying or others alike, to present day in America, they are not always true. (And in this case far from it) Birth Mother’s aren’t as the movies and tv shows portray them..(I think I recall catching a recent episode of Desperate Houswives where the birth mom was a stripper alcoholic, but not sure on that…I’ll check later)
Those weeks, days, then hours leading up to the adoption day…are the most intense, over-emotional, scary, and confusing times. Yet somehow they are also the most beautiful, peaceful, and cherished moments too. I don’t know how they all fit in together, but they do. When the birth mother and her child are just “talking”" to each other, sometimes for hours and hours, it is the most beautiful scene to watch (but no one could ever watch, because then it wouldn’t be just between them and would lose it’s beauty) In my case… during that time, I would talk to her all about the dreams I had for her and howmuch I loved her and she would cooo back too… at poignant times. We would go over the “plan for her life” I had made and I’d tell her about each member of her new family and how much they loved her.
I’d go over all the things she will get to do with them and all the fun adventures she would have with her big brother. I talked about the “procedure” for adoption day and told her not to worry I’d have the prettiest pink outfit for her to wear to meet them. All she had to do was get her beauty sleep that night! (That’s her in her Adoption day outfit…again she pulls of the hats better than anyone I know!)
Then I told her how, when she mets her new mom and dad, that I’d have to leave her afterward and would not be able to see her for a while, but that she would be safe and happy. I said that I was never far away, and always praying for her all the time. I told her how she saved my life and was my biggest hero, and that she is the most beautiful perfect gift from God that there ever was! I played Chris Tomlin and Martina McBride over and over for her until she smiled when she heard the music start to play. I sang her each song myself at least once without the music, so she would get the meaning of the words too. lol. I did that when I’d rock her to sleep. I held her in every possible way there was to hold a child (I didn’t want to regret I never held her on my left hip or something...silly things like that run through your mind) I asked her several times not to hate me and not to be mad. Everyone told me she never would be mad and would love me for this, but it didn’t matter what they said. I couldn’t take anyones word on it but her’s. I asked her if this plan was ok for her too, and she just smiled back up at me like ” your silly, of course I’ll be ok! God is with me always. I thought you got that now.” I can still picture the look she gave that day….one eye up and head turned back! She was so “chill” about everything…lol
You knew the time was coming, and each day it got a little more real, but you never really could fathom what it would be like to actually leave her. How would you do it? Then in the last hour and last minutes…you just go numb and pray for the best. You give them the biggest hug that is possible to give a baby without squishing them. You tell them how wonderful they are one more time. Then you wipe your tears, hold your breathe, and walk through the door to her meet her family.
So many wrong decisions in my past, I’m not quite sure If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore. But lately I’ve been thinking, Cause it’s all I’ve had to do. And in my heart I … [more]
One Hour Left-till I must let you go,
I stare at your face and silently scream NO!
I miss you already, I looked at you and said,
as I made sure to be careful of your soft little head,
You were simply perfect, 10 fingers, 10 toes,
Your Daddy’s eyes, and your Mommy’s nose,
we coulnd’t stop crying, your daddy and me,
Our hearts were as broken, as broken could be,
We wanted you Kaylan, I swear that is true,
But we had to do what was best for YOU,
We sobbed and stared, as the clock ticked on,
1 half hour now, until you were gone,
I started to think of the months before,
Then began to cry more and more,
I remembered then, why my choice was right,
But I’ll sure miss your kicks in my belly at night,
10 minutes now, and I began to pray,
I felt my heart be ripped out that day,
I prayed for your safty, your happiness, and heart,
then I told you how I have loved you from the start,
I prayed you’d understand that my love is true,
and that this really was the right thing for you,
Their was a lot to that prayer, but now it’s a blur,
Then, I told my child, how much I’d miss her…
I swear I saw you smile that day,
As I wished to myself that you could stay-
But the time was up as my heart broke in two,
I knew what it was that I had to do,
I thought to myself, how will I do this,
Then I handed you to Daddy with some tears and a kiss,
He told you he loved you and kissed your sweet head,
I don’t know about him, but I felt numb, almost, dead,
I have felt dead since then, without you next to me,
But it’s all worth it see, because you are happy,
Much happier with your new mom and dad my princess, that’s true…
But don’t ever think that we don’t miss you,
With all our hearts, Miss Kaylan Marie,
we are here and we love you…your FIRST family
© 2000 Emily Kaylan
Why am I looking at you wishing that I didn’t have to let you go? Why do I sit here & think the future is a more happier place without your mother there? Why do I hope your parents are… [more]
In my arms I held
The most precious thing
Known to mankind
With ten little fingers
And ten little toes
Hair of brown and eyes of blue
So little and fragile
I didn’t want to let go
As she looked up at me
With such uncertain eyes
She gave out a little cry
There I knew I had to let go
I placed her in the arms
Of one that could not bear her own
But could give her all I could not
This person I know will take great
Care of her
Her life will be happy and secure
This I trust with faith and love
She will grow to understand
It was out of love for her
That with a kiss on the cheek
I placed her in the arms
Of the one she will call mother
I gave them life.
I gave them love.
May they forgive me for giving them up.
Adoption is not a bad word.
But still this birth mother’s cries go unheard.
They fall upon deaf ears,
Even after all these years.
Every night as I cry these tears, watching my hope slip away.
Fading my life to once I gave to a child I hardly got to know.
Only for the nine months, I carried him in my soul.
Hoping the best things in life would come our way.
Only to learn things in life are just not that way.
It’s hard on us mothers that want to stay sane.
Morals Values Innocents, are all in Vain.
Life is hard and is not free.
“You must work for it,” the Lord said unto me.
I loose hope more every day with this so called government that we have made.
Thy Lord said unto me,” You can only trust and count upon me.
So don’t give up hope because, I will deliver your children unto thee.
When! you prove to your children your innocence as you have unto me.
They will forgive you and trust in you as you do me.
I love you, my daughter, thou hast always believed in me.