Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter...

We are very fortunate here to see what most birth moms may never see. Many of you may have accomplished this ( I know) but we don't hear about it that often. One of us  "recovered" and gone on to raise a family and fall in love. For me I thought "impossible" I just don't see how (I have some attachment issues though, don't go by my progress..)

For those of us that are struggling with finding out how we can make the best of our life with what we have now, Brit's new baby and might inspire us all! She found her family now, isn't that what we all want in the end... just to be loved and be able to give love?   Well, I for one am very excited to see her "tearing up" those statistics on us! (which may be true ones for most bmoms, but we must celebrate when one of us beats it! It is possible to have another child and a life, after adoption! Who knew?)  You go Britney! You are in our prayers (the little guy is too!) -brooke

That was too long for an update, so I had to make it into a post.. Oh well, not a problem.... :)

You will find so much conflicting evidence on the effects of adoption and also hear people telling you how it is best to go through the adoption process, what to watch for, what to think about, how to treat your own baby after birth, etc... The list is long, and the internet is filled with "adoption advice counselors" and whatnot for whoever.  Some are objective (there must be one) but many are bias and "propaganda" laced ,(as many of you call it) I don't disagree with that. I just notice it is much the same for the other side which tells you All adoptions end in turmoil and ruin for everyone, never to recover. I'm not saying I don't agree that that happens either.

But one thing I have come to realize after becoming a BIRTH mother is that I actually hate "over generalizations"   Mainly because I am usually the one left out of the group "generalized" about. But I'm sure I overgeneralize just as much too. It is hard to stop. Tell me next time you catch me, because one thing that matters the most to me is that us "birth" mothers, women, are always respected and treated as individuals! All of us are VERY unique in their own way. (You can tell that just by reading some of our discussions on this page) very different are we... but we have one thing in common that makes us put up with each other no after what. I hope you know if you ever need anything, I will be here (and try to do my best) for you. I have a special place in my heart for you, that can't be filled. It will always remain open as a will never forget the women who experienced the same thing as me. No matter who "forgets" us, we all are never forgotten completely. Even if you don't' believe in God, He believes in you, so never give up! OK, I know I can get very corny, I'll stop now.

Oh, and by pointing out the differences in all of us we someday might really stop the adoption agencies from over-generalizing all of us to society, the AP's, and their donors. I'm just saying, there is ALWAYS one exception to the rule, and I feel many authors and researches leave that out of their conclusions based on pure numbers. Not all adoptions are good and not all are bad. And there is so much we can do to change the ratio as well. So just remember, even if your like me and your whole adoption turned out to be a big shame and you were lied to.  It doesn't mean all mothers are the same way. Let's learn form them and take some hope in the fact that we still have a chance at becoming who we once were before and who we always wanted to be. I promised my daughter I wouldn't be bitter or hurting when she came to see me one day. I promised her and myself that I would be someone she could be proud to call her real mother. It is hard on your spirit though, without your child. No one expects you to move on really, or at least they wouldn't blame you if you never really did...

"No one understands in the world how much I loved her, it was different" I find myself saying sometimes. Then I remember all of you I have "met" via the internet and I know I am not alone. Just a thought, but next time you are crying alone in your room missing them, just say a little prayer for another birthmom you know (or don't even know) just try it. Because prayers work, and if you pray for someone I guarantee God will make sure you receive a few prayers too. And if I almost lost ya with that being preachy stuff, just try it few ra hoot, or call it sending positive energy from you and back  to you.

My daughter and I had "our song"  she loved the sound of it so! It was "I hope you dance"  and I played it everyday for her that month.  In it, is this one line, "don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter, when you come close to selling out reconsider, give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance..."

And that is what I want her to do. It was selfish what people did to many of us; meaning the agencies or others. But don't ever ever ever let them win or even see you down! Just keep the hope alive, and in time it will all come together, and most likely in the best way it was meant be for us.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking

Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance

(Rolling us along)

I hope you dance

(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)

I hope you dance

(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance

I hope you dance

(Dance)

I hope you dance

(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)

I hope you dance

(Rolling us along)

I hope you dance

(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)

I hope you dance

(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder

(Dance)

Where those years have gone

(Dance)

hope you dont mind me using Brit!

Me, back when I used to have fun sometimes...

You know we always want to hear everyone's story. It is frustrating when they are all over the place and in comments and such. Just because I'd like to have them all to look at. For some reason not many want to post there story on their profile at hermission.com, so if you want to stay on the facebook page, I opened up the discussion tab again (I had closed it because we already had enough discussions going on to handle! But if we could simply have each of you "start a new comment" then write your experiences (any of them) then that would be grat. Then update it with more if you want to later as you remember. Hope that works! Because it is amazing to see the page "insights" from my view, on what topics are popular and so on.

The 2 hour talk show and open call in line "Birht Mom's Live" every night was a bit too hard to keep up with (I can talk that's for sure, but not that much) So I  am hoping to do every other day at 10 pm. Some of you have asked for advicce or questions about handeling the transition after placement day. Feel free to call in wiht those questions to, because I guarantee you are not the only one out there thinking of them! http://blogtalkradio/birthmoms and  post ur blog on birthmomblogs.com ASAP.

"Remembering Birth Mother's Day" Event is coming up soon, and I want to get a chance to explain this year more about why we even recognize it at all. So I hope you will stick around to read that in a few days. (we are starting local group support meetups and are looking for leaders to volunteer. We have a few materials for you to start with and it will be great for those around you in your state.

Together we can make it

One of the main reasons I formed this mission was because I didn't see many places where ALL Birth Mother's had a voice. It was wither your all for it or all against. I want reform and respect for women...whatever term you call em! My blog was originally called, The invisible woman, cause thats how I felt....

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• You and 6 others like this.
• • 

    Lindsey Wheatley Redfern That line from the song is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Love this.

    15 hours ago · 
  • 

    Nan Barton 

    I will try to get my story on here. Thanks so much for acknowledging the way birthmothers are each individual but still connected by a common thread. My experience was mostly positive, but not entirely without negatives, mostly on the part ...See More

    14 hours ago · 
  • 

    Nan Barton ‎... meet. Once again, thank you for this post. Beautiful!

    13 hours ago · 
  • 

    Birth Mom Missions 

    I love you so much Brooke! I think what has helped me the very most is the peace I've felt from God since the day adoption came into my mind/heart. Luckily my daughter's adoptive parents have been VERY open with me since day 1- so being abl...See More

    12 hours ago ·  ·  1 person
  • 

    Birthmom Michigan I am very thankful for the relationship I have with my sons parents. I realize that "open adoptions" are new and feel SO VERY LUCKY!! It hasn't always been easy for me and I am still learning how being a birthmother has changed my life.. My life will NEVER be the same....

    3 hours ago ·  ·  1 person
• 

Birth Mom Blogs

(First part was written back in 06 about blogging...')
http://www.facebook.com/adoptionsupport#!/note.php?note_id=10150095064559212

So blogging turned out not to be so weird. Many "birthmoms" are encouraged too, more than I noticed before. The agency I went to now asks many to blog about their  experiences (after they edit them of course).  I have a bit of a sour opinion of my agency though, so I wouldn’t do anything to help promote their cause. I never name them though.
Here is the thing I don’t understand….How can these birth mothers blog about how they TRULY feel. It’s impossible, I say. Even if anonymously written, to tell the truth would give away your identity without much thought required.  I know the adoptive parents don't read my blog and I think I want l to keep it that way. I would feel too guilty to ever write honestly how I miss her. My agency, BTW, might have encouraged that thinking…they told us not to dry or sound sad when talking to the parents, because they can feel horrible gilt about it. (That was their last piece of post-adoption advice to me!)
I sent in letter asking for updates. So everyday I wait for an update. I want to know if she is ok and see her smiling face. I wonder what she looks like know? Every time I get an update, she has changed SO MUCH! I bet her hair is long now, I wonder what color? Can she walk and talk well? How is her health? These thoughts go through my head every day, many times. It’s the time before bed that is the worst, how can a mom sleep with such little knowledge of her child’s health and heart?

I wasn't clear enough at the beginning how many updates I wanted. I guess I didn’t know, and I was focused on the little task of labor first. I blame myself, I made the choice after all, these are the consequences I knew could happen.

My nightstand... (maybe a little much?) It's only been a year :)

Updated:
Now I know now there are MANY birth moms that have blogs,  some have been blogging long before I ever did.  If you want to list your blog and are a "birthmom, first mom, whatever you like call it"  you can list it here, if ya want. I bought the domain for Birth Mom Missions, years ago, it's probably about time we use it!

http://birthmomblogs.com/ (still working on the look don't worry)

Just post your blog in the right category! "Baby Scoop Era" and "Perfect Open adoptions "allowed! We each had a different experience that's for sure!

Love ya'll

Maybe you should hurry too, because one day it might be a good idea to charge 5 bucks to join the site. I know alot of adoptive blogging pay for advertisement.  But we shouldn't have to if we ever get a donation or I win the lottery and that will hopefully happen someday!  I don't think it means we are doing very good, if still the only donation we have received is from my dad, and that was just to pay for the non-profit certification fee. Remember when we first started up, those old comments when people thought we were making money off exploiting adoption? haha. I will let you girls know if we ever get a donation though!
I think our "reviews"are our best donations though, the rest will come someday!"

Pray for us!

 

5% of people make things happen

10% of people watch things happen

85% say "What happened?"

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Poem for a reunion with birth mother

I just found this in my old notes. Thought I’d post it because I’ll probably never randomly find it again in all my mess of papers. It is not good or anything, it’s just what I remember writing a few weeks after the adoption placement day. I was already ready preparing for our reunion before a month had even passed. I was thinking of what I would write on one of the many cards I intended to give her, when we met. How could I explain to her what I had done? – was the biggest thing on my mind. Maybe it still is…

Dear Daughter,
There is something I’ve always wanted to say.
It’s something I’ve thought about everyday.
I tried to say my goodbye’s on adoption day,  like I knew I should.
I just want you to know,  I never really could.
I never really said goodbye, although sometimes people wished I would.

No,  I carried you with me every day, and never let a memory of you go away.

Throughout your childhood I watched you grow.
I cherished each photo more than you’ll ever know!
I bragged about you often, like every mother does.
But I  knew YOU really were the best their ever was!

Still a missing part of my heart,  I  wished did never depart.
Cause all I had were pictures and written tales about you. 
And I always knew there was so much more to YOU.

I cried so many nights, wishing I could hold you again. 
You were so used to my touch, way back then.
I prayed you would want to see me when would you grew older, 
and not give me the could shoulder. 
But I’d love you even if you did, because you are MY kid!

Now I can’t believe the passing of time is done!
I finally get to meet YOU and tell how proud I am of who you have become! 

I’ll see you tomorrow.  Please, don’t be nervous sweetie.  I am alot like you, and I’ll understand your heart no matter what you say or do. 

Love, mom

Birth Mother's Day is almost here!

Birth Mother's Day is almost here!

One goal of Birth Mom Missions is to increase media awareness of Birth Mother's day (which has been the day before mother's day every year since 1990)

Remember....if you are adopted, your Birth Mother Loves You!

(options to birthmom: lifemom, firstmom, tummymom, etc...In actuality most birth moms of adoption don't really care what they are called by the adoptive family and others....as long as they are called.)

“So on Birthmother’s Day I find myself in the grocery store buying a dozen yellow roses for myself, just as I will do again this year. And I will write to me a card that says, “A good mother does what is best for her children ... you are a good mother.” And I will put them on the table and I will glance at them throughout the day. I may even have the courage to breathe in their sweet scent. Their presence in my house, and on my table, will be a reminder that sometimes being a good mother is something I have to do alone. Without thank you’s or giggles of joy, when there are no smiles of pride to confirm, when there are no handmade cards to open carefully, when there are no gifts to exclaim surprise over, when there are no party hats or balloons to throw out, when there is no cake to cover, when there are no laps or little arms to embrace ... when it is just simply a dozen yellow roses sitting atop my kitchen table seemingly whispering all day long; I remember the reason I am a good mother.

A good mother will spend all day cleaning her children’s rooms just to get all the toys back out that evening as she plays beside her children without any knowledge of time. A good mother will wait to pay the bills until after her kids go to sleep so that they don’t hear her crying. A good mother will get immunizations, birth records, applications, fees, and every minute detail taken care of in less than a day just so she can enjoy the moment her five year old sees his Kindergarten classroom for the first time. A good mother will not scream or cry when taking care of a bloody wound just so her child will remain calm. A good mother will cook a meal and even though she is exhausted she will sit down to dinner with the energy of a two-year-old just to ensure her children eat right. A good mother will praise even the littlest of things, and discipline the worst of things, all with the same attitude so that her children know no fear of success or failure. And the greatest of mothers do all this and more without being motivated by what she will be given in return for her sacrifices. A good mother will give her child over into the lives of a family who will give that child what she cannot, just to ensure its happiness. A good mother will never, for one moment, think of herself before she thinks of her children. And she never asks for a reward in return for her heroic ability to do everything she does.
The difference between Birthmother’s Day with yellow roses on my table and Mother’s Day with my three children eager to please? Birthmothers Day is for me to validate that one incredible act of motherhood that not only gave life, but that truly taught me the real meaning of what being a mother is. And Mother’s Day is the ultimate reward that stems from those beautiful flowers sitting atop my table.© Courtney Frey

Happy Birthmother’s Day to all my yellow rose girls who will be remembering the same thing as I this coming Saturday!

Explanation of Birthmother’s day:
Birthmother’s day is a day to celebrate and honor our birthmotherhood. Its a day to reflect on the choice we made and the life we gave. Its a day to recognize, that we are good mothers who made the ultimate sacrifice for our children.
History on Birthmother’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother’s Day. It originated in 1990 by a group of birthmothers in Seattle, Washington. Most birthmothers will agree that Mother’s Day is a very painful holiday and these women wanted to create something that would honor their birthmotherhood.
Celebrating Birthmom’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day unites birthmoms. A lot of agencies and organizations are hosting birthmother’s day events and it has become more recognized by the adoption community as a day of remembrance for birthmothers. Check with agencies, support groups, and adoption related organizations in your area to see if they might be hosting a Birthmom’s Day event. If not, then celebrate on your own. Treat yourself to a special dinner or buy yourself a rose - something to celebrate your birthmotherhood!!
Before I became a birth mom I had no idea there was such a thing. Then when mother's day rolled around last year, just a month after placement day, it was nice to find there was a holiday for us women who didn't really fit into the "mother's day" category to be remembered. We hope next year to have enough funds in the nonprofit to celebrate in a much bigger way and affect more women (pre and post adoption) I wish for all adoptee's to know how much they are truly loved by us. I will never stop loving my daughter. When she is old enough and the parents tell her about me, I want her to be able to see that I never stopped loving her from the moment I said goodbye, Ask us for any advice on gift selections or wording: info@birthmommissions.com

We would appreciate if you would help us spread the word by joining on of our many social networks, donating, or telling someone about http://birthbommissions.com, or becoming a fan of our facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/BirthMomMissions

Support Birth Mother's on Birth Mom's Day 2010!

Birth Mother's Day!

Support Birth Mother's on Birth Mom's Day 2010! Don’t worry, no event to attend! Just join if want to help the Mission.

We are oficially a non profit that can be listed on guidestar, therefore on everything!It's been a long wait!

Finally we are a legit 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization:
http://www2.guidestar.org/organizations/26-4550204/birth-mom-missions.aspx

Now all donations to this facebook cause will go directly to the mission! Now we can really get to work! Our main website (birthmomissions.com) has been updated, and also several other thing...s. Any suggestions are always welcome too. Our new toll free phone number is 1-888-4ULOVED (catchy huh?) but for the next week our temporary number is: 866-718-9756. Hopefully it's an easy enough number to remember and you can give it out the next time run into someone in need of our support. It's free and they can call 24/7 to talk to a birth mom. That's about it, just wanted to let you know we ere.

Thanks again! 

 Birth Mom Missions

I don't like sending too many cause updates (think I have only sent 3 total over the year) because I know how annoying they can be consuming your inbox! So if you want to be updated more often on where we are in the process of growing the mission, you can subscribe here: http://birthmomsupport.com/updates/embed.form.php

About

Birth Mom Missions provides a much needed (and often overlooked) service to women who have placed their child for adoption.
We offer guidance before, after and during the adoption process to all women who ask, regardless of their choices made. Much of this is done through phone conversations, emails, letters, prayers and social networking correspondence. We are dedicated to providing nonjudgmental assistance to any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and guidance for those who choose to become birth mothers.
Birth Mothers have parted with a huge piece of themselves. Even the most independent woman will tell you that having a child changes a woman's view of herself. Placing that child is akin to letting go of a piece of yourself.
We offer local supportive groups (growing nationwide) made up of women who have been through the similar experiences. We want to provide young women in the future with the knowledge and support that we wish we had from a birth mother. Someone who knew what it was like and was unbiased. Someone to talk to us, inform us, guide us, emphasize with us, and answer all our silly questions. One goal of the mission is to someday see every pregnant woman that is considering adoption,to have at least one birth mother mentor.
The mission touches the lives of those adopted, adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, pregnant woman at risk, the unborn, and other parts of society in ways yet to be seen.

Some background:
It seems that the grief which results from adoption loss more often follows a pattern which is the exact opposite of what one might expect in the case of other losses. From my research, I have made certain conclusions on the grief associated with adoption loss, based on my own experience, the experiences of the women I have encountered and the books on grief and grief counselling which I have read. It became obvious to me that the common models of grief counselling would not work with mothers who had lost children through adoption. I concluded that the grief resulting from the loss of a child through adoption was fundamentally different from other types of grief. I explored grief associated with abortion, with stillbirth and neo-natal death and with loss of custody. Although there were some similarities, it seemed that adoption grief was unique.
This disenfranchised grief is when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases of disenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss is not recognised or the griever is not recognized. The loss of a child through adoption is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, which is why mothers often suffer in silence...people who have experienced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness and numbness and that in cases of disenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very long time. The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.

The 3 main goals within Birth Mom Missions are:
1. Support & Advice for Women pre-and post adoption.
2. Birth Mom's for Life:
Every year approximately 1.3 million single women become unexpectedly pregnant. Sadly, less than two percent choose the loving option of adoption, while two million couples eagerly wait to adopt children. The abortion rate continues to rise. Each day, women wake up in our community believing abortion is the only realistic solution to an unplanned pregnancy.
3. Adoption Celebration, Advocacy & Reform
Donations/Support:

We would appreciate if you would help us spread the word by joining or telling someone about BirthMomMissions.Com. You can becoming a fan of our facebook page.http://facebook.com/birthmommissions

Our website has more info on what we are all about: http://birthmommissions.com

Donations Go To…

Birth Mom Missions
A 501(c)(3) nonprofit
View Fundraising History

Positions

1. To defend the defenseless & innocent. Chilldren are God's greatest gift to us and as Mother Teresa says, "Jesus in disguise"
2. Explain adoption today & the many options available to young women besides abortion. And that no child is unwanted & plenty of couples to adopt!
3. To change the misconceptions of a birth mother's motivation. To show birth mother's never abandoned child but want the best for them.
4. Make sure every adoptee knows they are loved by many. And their birth mother thinks of them everyday, always!
5. Persuade People that Rape Does Not Justify Abortion.. Two wrongs don't make a right., but an innocent child sure can!