One goal of Birth Mom Missions is to increase media awareness of Birth Mother's day (which has been the day before mother's day every year since 1990)
Remember....if you are adopted, your Birth Mother Loves You!
(options to birthmom: lifemom, firstmom, tummymom, etc...In actuality most birth moms of adoption don't really care what they are called by the adoptive family and others....as long as they are called.)
“So on Birthmother’s Day I find myself in the grocery store buying a dozen yellow roses for myself, just as I will do again this year. And I will write to me a card that says, “A good mother does what is best for her children ... you are a good mother.” And I will put them on the table and I will glance at them throughout the day. I may even have the courage to breathe in their sweet scent. Their presence in my house, and on my table, will be a reminder that sometimes being a good mother is something I have to do alone. Without thank you’s or giggles of joy, when there are no smiles of pride to confirm, when there are no handmade cards to open carefully, when there are no gifts to exclaim surprise over, when there are no party hats or balloons to throw out, when there is no cake to cover, when there are no laps or little arms to embrace ... when it is just simply a dozen yellow roses sitting atop my kitchen table seemingly whispering all day long; I remember the reason I am a good mother.
Happy Birthmother’s Day to all my yellow rose girls who will be remembering the same thing as I this coming Saturday!
Explanation of Birthmother’s day:
Birthmother’s day is a day to celebrate and honor our birthmotherhood. Its a day to reflect on the choice we made and the life we gave. Its a day to recognize, that we are good mothers who made the ultimate sacrifice for our children. History on Birthmother’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother’s Day. It originated in 1990 by a group of birthmothers in Seattle, Washington. Most birthmothers will agree that Mother’s Day is a very painful holiday and these women wanted to create something that would honor their birthmotherhood.
Celebrating Birthmom’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day unites birthmoms. A lot of agencies and organizations are hosting birthmother’s day events and it has become more recognized by the adoption community as a day of remembrance for birthmothers. Check with agencies, support groups, and adoption related organizations in your area to see if they might be hosting a Birthmom’s Day event. If not, then celebrate on your own. Treat yourself to a special dinner or buy yourself a rose - something to celebrate your birthmotherhood!!
Before I became a birth mom I had no idea there was such a thing. Then when mother's day rolled around last year, just a month after placement day, it was nice to find there was a holiday for us women who didn't really fit into the "mother's day" category to be remembered. We hope next year to have enough funds in the nonprofit to celebrate in a much bigger way and affect more women (pre and post adoption) I wish for all adoptee's to know how much they are truly loved by us. I will never stop loving my daughter. When she is old enough and the parents tell her about me, I want her to be able to see that I never stopped loving her from the moment I said goodbye, Ask us for any advice on gift selections or wording: info@birthmommissions.com
We would appreciate if you would help us spread the word by joining on of our many social networks, donating, or telling someone about http://birthbommissions.com, or becoming a fan of our facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/BirthMomMissions
This birthmom deal is not at all like I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my decision! I know she was meant to be adopted into her family. I am still so amazed at how clear that was. It's just that post-adoption is nothing at all like I thought, not even close. Not worse, not better, just different. I guess all I had to go on was my own imagination at the time! Come to think of it, I don't know how I pictured it, maybe I didn't..Or maybe God was helping me see the goodness and love in it, and I just forget now at times. When I saw her and her family together in person or in pictures, it just made me so happy. It always has, I just don't get to see as many pics as before.
It just seemed much more "do-able" then. It still is, it's just that every emotion that I think should be next, is always the total opposite in reality. Usually my body starts aching when I am trying to avoid an emotion, and it isn't until my body gives out that I will acknowledge the pain. I'm just all over the place with my feelings. It's an overall icky feeling when time goes by and the memory of someone you can see slowly drifting away. It's like you know that's supposed to happen and it is how anyone grieves a loss and gets better over time, but I want to fight it inside with all my heart too! Is that self-destructive behavior then? Cause I don't want to follow the steps anymore in my grief processing pamphlet. I want to just call it a day and set up base at #6 for a while. If I were her (my daughter), I don't think I would want...yeah I'm sure I wouldn't want, to be forgotten in the least bit. Even if she resented me for the adoption, I would like her to know I never went a second without thinking about her. But it's not about holding onto it because I feel guilty and think it will hurt her to move on (that is the common response I get from people) It's more selfish than that. Instead I can't (or it feels I can't) let go because I think it will hurt ME to do so. If it's biological, then why try process anything, it's ingrained in you. Maybe it is inevitable though, the mind just will forget... and that just, well, sucks. That's my feeling about the dang grief processing model!
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. - C.S. Lewis
I don't lie the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief (that is just not enough steps 4 me) Looking at any grief processing theory, even with 10 steps, doesn't make you thrilled for the future...
I found this articel and website interesting: http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/adoption4.html And this little quote proves my beliefs on attachement may be true:
"Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn't begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the primal wound'." So writes Nancy Verrier in her book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child (1993).
But what a fetus most needs--from the earliest moments after conception--is to feel a sense of connection with its mother, a feeling from her that he or she is loved, but more than just loved, welcomed--if not on the practical, physical level of knowing for sure that she will ultimately parent the child, then on the more spiritual realm of recognizing it to be a child of God, an innocent being that needs nurturance in this moment.
A woman with a crisis pregnancy may not feel entitled to bond with her baby. She may believe--like society in general tends to believe, especially if she is even considering adoption for her child--that it is her "job" not to do what is usually the natural thing, which is to embrace that baby on some level. I think it's critical that a woman in this circumstance be supported and guided in following her instinct to connect with her baby, with the crucial--and perhaps liberating--understanding that the unknown future of their relationship together need not--and should not!--dictate that she not connect with the baby now.
I dream of a big happy house with lots of smiles and laughs and good food and music on the radio, and oh how I wish that for you...will you have that? I don't know right now what will await you, or me, after you arrive into this world... But whatever home you have later, I want your home now to be secure. As I rub my belly I wonder what you feel in there, do you feel my love for you? Do you feel my fear, too? You probably do, but feel my love more, okay? Feel my love...
Hand in hand with this sense of not being entitled to claim the baby, there is sometimes the feeling of shame on the part of a woman facing a crisis pregnancy, that she's made this big "mistake", perhaps feels that she's letting lots of people down--her parents, her boyfriend, etc.--and may not even feel worthy of claiming the baby inside her. The feeling may be that she'll "save" the baby by staying detached from it: "I'm not going to screw up your life, too."
A woman having these types of feelings can hopefully be led to an understanding that regardless of how she views herself--or how anyone else "on the outside" may view her--and regardless of her difficult circumstances, the most important thing for her baby is to feel her very real, claiming presence. She needs to know that she is everything to her baby, if only for this short time in her womb.
Here is a summary on grief processing theories over the years:
Grief is a Natural process. Everyone has griefs, both large and small:
A large grief might be the loss of a loved one grief, a rape grief, incest grief, or loosing a limb grief.
A small grief might be the canceling of an important event like the next bif family wedding, or cutting yourself on broken glass during dishes.
the biblical phrase "Grieve Not" - it’s real, but really says, "Grieve with hope".
The first Study (I think) on grief was by Dr. Erich Lindeman, Harvard College, Scholarly paper "Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief" published in the American Journal of Psychiatry in the 1960’s. The grieving person has to "extricate himself from the bondage to the deceased and find new patternsof rewarding interaction." The study found differences between 'normal grief' and 'morbid grief':
Normal grief achieves the separation.
Morbid grief is self-perpetuating and never ending.
Dr. Lindeman then described 5 things he saw in acute grief. These are now known as the "Five Stages of Grief" and are relatively well known in the counseling realm; at least my mother the pastor has talked about them since she was in seminary as something everyone knew or should know. So: here goes. The 5 Stages of Grief: (traditional)
Somatic Distress: Physical pain, usually in your heart or forehead. (Note: I haven’t ever grieved by finding my big toe hurt a lot. That’s another problem, relating to the pickle jar you were just holding)
Preoccupation with the image of the deceased.
Guilt
Anger
Loss of patterns of conduct
People don’t always move between them in order; Everyone doesn’t have each stage in an equal amount;, People can be in more than one stage at once.
There’s some new thinking on this subject. (My most plausible) Many books now refer to there being 10 stages. The Ten Stages of Grief (developed over last 10 years)
Ten Stages of Grief
1. SHOCK: Anesthetized against the overwhelming loss. Not comprehending and not able to face the full magnitude of it.
2 EMOTIONAL RELEASE: Beginning to realize how dreadful the loss is. Venting or releasing these feelings is better than trying to repress them.
3. 3 DEPRESSION, LONELINESS AND UTTER ISOLATION: Feeling of “No help for me.” Down in the depths of despair. Should know this is a NORMAL feeling. Aided by EXPRESSED CONCERN.
4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS: “Ill” with symptoms related to the loss. Best help is to understand the grief process
5. PANIC: Convinced “something is wrong with me” as a person, can concentrate on little else. May fear losing the mind.
6. GUILT FEELINGS: May recall own past neglect, mistreatment, or wrong to the deceased. Wrongs may be imaginary or exaggerated. But they may be REAL wrongs with REAL guilt. Confession and unburdening of real guilt gives best relief. “Forgiveness” of real wrongs, as if they were imaginary, is no adequate solution.
7. HOSTILITY: Feeling better leads to expressing self more actively. Hostile expressions toward those who “caused” the loss are common. Such hostility is normal but not to be encouraged.
8. INABILITY TO RENEW NORMAL ACTIVITIES: Cannot get back to “business as usual.” Must bear loss alone, since others are back to normal activities. Need encouragement to face new realities, not to be sheltered from them.
9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES: Not “old self again,” because there is a new situation. Stronger, deeper, better for having faced and overcome the disaster.
I lived with 31 birth mom's ages 13-45, so I got a pretty good feel of some different perspectives from them. Hope it helps!
I wrote this on my Adoption Network Group on Linkedin. The group seems to learn a lot from each other. You can join if you want, just click the link! It is also on Birth Mom Missions, of course.
I know a lot of time and thought goes into most adoptive parent's profile. Here are some things I looked for when choosing a family, and some things I didn't look for too. I looked for photos and content that showed an active outdoor lifestyle. Showing how you would take them snow skiing, to the beach, to the lake, to historical monuments, etc...All the things we birth mothers can't give them and want them to have.
One of the main reasons that a lot of girls. including me, went through with an adoption, was because we wanted our child to have a mother and father. So I'd suggest somehow showing that your relationship is sturdy and will last
Big thing for me. The other kids! How many cousins, relatives, close friends have young children. I want her to grow up with playmates and peers and have FUN. So cute shots of your niece and nephew playing are a plus. don't overkill on the pics with you surrounded by kids though. It's too obvious, and looks like your kinda weird....jk! Grandma and Grandpa are a plus... (but not a requirement)
I wanted a strong Christian family, that really followed God and worked daily to know Him more. That's hard to convey in pics and words...but some do it very well.
I am not suggesting anyone lie, it's best to be honest on everything. You don't have to be the CEO of some huge company for us to think your financially secure...(almost anything was more security than I could offer at the moment) Sometimes the profiles look too much like a job application or recommendation letter.. All of the girls (I mean, huge pregnant girls) shared profiles with each other and when they decide on one they would pass it around the room, half bragging over their choice and half scared they missed something and picked the wrong one. I had my roommate go thru it a dozen times for me, just in case I mssed some huge warning flag .(like something in the background that would give them away..haha) We ruminated over those profiles for days, it was probably the first time any of us ever experienced what it was like to be a mom, and make decisions so crucial toyour child's future! What if? What if ? I had God answering me quite a bit then though! But after the decision is finally made, for good, on a couple, I have never seen anyone change their mind. In a way this is when the process begins where the birth mom slowly falls in love with the family of her choice (maybe because we know we have to or maybe it just comes natural. I'm leaning on the natural side, because (speaking for myself) I wasn't thinking all that deep then! I was just wondering what my body was going to do next, and "is that normal?" haha
My "counselor" case worker asked me if I could pick five things very detailed what would they be. So I said mainly just for fun because I knew no one would have EVERYTHING I wanted for her. But the next day, what do ya know? She handed me "the profile" "My wishlist" of the perfect family was: 1. They had to be from Texas and live in Texas and love Texas (simple request,lol) That is just important to me.. I want her to grow up with lakes and land and friendly people all around her! 2. I said I wanted a sports family, football especially. I wanted a dad that went to a Texas college and after college watched almost every football game. (is a UT grad Longhorn for life, close enough!) I wanted him to be tall and strong and very protective. (This was all what I just came up with for fun when she asked, I'm not really this shallow. It is just amazing that the family was what I described jokingly the day before. I even said 3. I'd prefer a blonde mom (cause I am blonde? Maybe a weird way of "kinda" like me. Then when we met after she is all grown up, I wouldn't seem like such a foreign figure to her..yeah I thought that out a little too much. There is always hair dye) 4. I said a big backyard. there's was huge! 5. I wanted a Christian family (that was the main #1 factor a profile had to have before I would even consider it. That is just me though. Most of the other girls did not care one bit about their religion, and "really a Christian" who walk with god daily. 6. I slipped in how I'd like if they have boat on the lake, and were naturally athletic in their genes (cause she will be) and yep they actually had that one too. All of these things were shown in their profile, that is why I was truly shocked. They picked these out as important, if they put in on these pages...we think alike too! Ok, that was freaky and rare...but point is, there is a perfect fit for everyone, and it will happen!
I fell in love with my daughter's parents as soon as I saw their profile. But it was when I met the mother a few days later, that it truly sealed the deal. It was like I had known her all my life. We taped the adoption day (all 4 hours of it) and the mother I chose and I, had the exact same movements and cues. I mean we would both turn our head the same way at the time in response to something we heard...like that. It was cool too watch. I wanted to tell them that day, but everyone suggested I read some more profiles first and sleep on it. So I did...but when you know, you just know. God was all over our adoption, I guess no one saw it from my point of view though. I knew what I was doing and I knew what God was doing through me. I haven't ever been sure of myself or able to make decisions.. it was SO Not Me in charge at all. For the first time I understood, I felt it, what God's ultimate sovereignty really means. Nothing is done by mistake, it is ALL in His plan. God is God and he authors all. My rape brought much suffering, but He planned that to show me this new view of him. (And to complete a family, save my life, let me love this way, etc etc) Before all of this, I thought evil happens and then God sees it and then uses it for good..I was totally short changing God and bringing him down to my human level so I could understand. We can't understand and that is what makes his gift of salvation so much sweeter. And isn't it easier to live when you know whatever bad happens, God put it there for a reason (that is ALWAYS for your ultimate good) I am so preachy today. Geez.. Sorry. What I was trying to get to was.....Don't sweat the profiles or the waiting period, enjoy it, because only God can make it happen. In my experience, it isn't until you give up, that God starts making things happen.
The online parent profile blogs, which I have seen lately, are a wonderful way to put it all in order! I love them! Our adoption was no where near that open. I thought an "open" adoption meant you get letters. Now I know. The agency even keeps the parent's last names secret and so I won't know my daughter's middle or last name until -? So when I later saw couples posting there entire lives online for birth moms to view, I was shocked! The agencies can get in the way, that is for sure.
Another bonus is to have the husband describe the wife's personality and the wife describe the husband. It allows you to say so much more. Describe your partner's personality, but don't forget to put something romantic in too! (what made you fall for her, or what is your favorite thing about you wife, etc...) The romantic stuff is cute and needed in any relationship, just don't go overboard with it. A little genuine love will go along way when a birth mother sees it between you both. I think most of us b moms would rather not our child go through a divorce as well as an adoption at birth.
Try tomake fun of each other in your profile. I liked the ones with a sense of humor. Like ur adoptive mom (the Hopeful AP then) was so excited/nervous/happy all at once. She was just real. for instance the both put there favorite tv shows, and maatter how random of a show it would have been, I know they would be honest. There was an equal mix of humor and seriousness. Like I didnt want the perfect family" if there is such a thing...I wanted the family most like me and I am... well random.
Oh a gift (after the birth mom chooses you) is a nice gesture! I mean a card or some cookies. My AP's gave me these comfy pajamas, and I wear them a lot now and feel closer to her(my daughter) for some reason. I got flowers in the delivery room! I loved that. They were the only ones I got and they came at the perfect time! Don't fall for the old line, " I wanted to get her a card, but then I thought it might bring up old memories" That is BS, like we need a card to conjure up a memory, my daughter is always with me. And we don't get mad or offended very easily anyways. I found this out through research and through personal experience. Befor ewe were birth moms, many of us had a common personality aready, which allows one to do such a thing.
These are some of the responses (names changed for privacy) It seemed to help a few, so maybe it can help more parents struggling with these silly profiles. It’s too much pressure to put all of yourself in one little flip book, if you ask me. But it’s also difficult to choose a future for your child based off of that to. That is why I say, if your going to try adoption, you must have a ton of faith and hope! I have no clue, but i imagine the waiting would be hardest part. You have to just close your eyes, pray and jump in. We need to work out a better system though for getting to know the parents. My solution for everything these days is to videotape instead! But not sure how that would go over with the agencies.
I could go on forever with more on this subject. At least I learned a lot out of the time spent with 30 hormonal and hungry woman in the same space! Our room turned into the "counseling" room somehow. And that is where you learn EVERYTHING about someone. See that's why I feel so strongly that birth moms need a birth mom counselor thru the process, there are just things you can't ask or can't say to anyone but another birth mother. This also helps the AP's too, because the bm's decision is well thought out with the other birth mom (all scenarios have been tried out) and she is sure you are the parents for her child. Thus we avoid the "I changed my mind, oops" reaction after you have already fallen in love. (and those are rare horror stories, promise) Actually only .01% of adoptions are contested by the birth mom later. So the Lifetime Channel needs to come up with a different storyline!
yes, it is a help. I am struggling to complete our profile at this time. I’m a graphic designer by day and therefore am wanting our profile to be PERFECT and I know I’m making myself crazy over it. We are just normal people who want a family. I find it difficult to “sell” ourselves. This is helpful.
Just be who you are. Don’t be what your not. Show your heart and show you care. Show that you are loved and can give love. Love is more important than any material things. I was adopted and I have wonderful parents.
Brooke, my adopted daughter is now 12-1/2 (she was 6 months old when we “got” her). Your suggestions would have been most welcome back then. This is a terrific post and I’m sure that a lot of potential adoptive parents will appreciate your input. BTW — I couldn’t possibly love my daughter any more — God had her in mind for our family. She blesses my day every single minut
Director at Birth Mom Missions Thank you so much Nancy! What you said about your daughter, is exactly what I hope to hear form my child’s parent’s some day. Thank you! I love adoption because of people like you. I know what you mean, some things you just feel God’s hand in it, and it was so clear to me she was meant for her family. It’s so cool how children can bless us every minute of the day just by being alive. I feel like my daughter blesses me everyday too, even though I can’t see her.
"I have
been doing Matching Mondays for many months now.More people
featuring waiting children means more people will be
seeingwaiting children and hopefully more hearts will be changed,
minds will be enlightened and more matches will be made. This is
something relatively easy that you can do to support adoption.
I hope you will join me in this effort!
I encourage YOU to become an advocate of
waiting children by looking through your own states waiting
children websites and choose one or two each Monday to feature on
your blog.
My three main goals in featuring waiting children was to...
Give these children and all waiting children more positive exposure.
Help change hearts and minds by allowing people to see who is really waiting for a family...break stereotypes.
Help couples and children come together.
I have been thinking of what else can be
done with Matching Mondays to help in these three goals move
forward. After pondering on this topic, I decided that I need to
recruit people to feature waiting children on their own blogs. It
seems that in many cases it is a little easier to adopt children
waiting in your own state."
I think I made some good picks!
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
Littlejohn About Littlejohn
Littlejohn is described as very
active, talkative, and has a "wild imagination." Littlejohn
likes playing basketball, video games, and football. He also enjoys
art and swimming. Littlejohn's favorite possessions are his Lego's.. Littlejohn
is age appropriate in both height and weight and he is able to
complete personal hygiene tasks without assistance. Things that
make Littlejohn happy is having a good relationship with his
sister, swimming, and going on field trips. Littlejohn has a good
appetite and enjoys a variety of foods. Littlejohn needs a family who can
provide him love, structure, and routine. He will do well with
a family who loves him dearly and can meet his need. Littlejohn is
tribal and ICWA applies to the case, but there has been a good cause
hearing so that all families can be considered.
Mona
Mona is an 18-year-old girl from Texas who is hoping to be adopted.
Mona
is an adventurous teen who loves to have fun. She is spontaneous
and easy to get along with. She has a great sense of humor and tends to
be sarcastic at times. Mona loves to be on the go and involved in
different activities. A very social teen, Mona has many friends.
She also likes to keep up with the hottest trends in fashion and
music. She loves her iPod and always has it with her. Mona will eat
just about anything but really likes
spaghetti, jambalaya and chicken. Mona is a very encouraging teen.
She loves to dance, draw and play sports. She is a great role model to
younger children and just loves to have fun. Mona is currently
working on improving her grades in school and becoming more
organized. Mona and Joe are very bonded and get
along great with each other. They think about each other in every
decision they make and spend a lot of time together. Mona and Joe
really want to be adopted! Mona is an adventurous teen who loves to
have fun. She is spontaneous and easy to get along with. She has
a great sense of humor and tends to be sarcastic at times. Mona loves
to be on the go and involved in different activities. Joe is very
outgoing and excels in athletics. He plays football, basketball
and runs track for his school. He loves being outdoors and trying new
things. He also is a great artist. Visit us at the San Antonio Heart Gallery.Visit us at the TARE Gallery. Mona wants a family who likes to
spend time together and is active. She wants an adventurous family
who likes to be out of the house and go different places. Mona is
okay with having other children in the home as long as she can have
her own room. She needs a family who will be supportive of her in
the decisions she makes and will guide her through her future. Mona
has two brothers, one that is a part of this adoption and the other
with whom she would like to remain in contact with. SiblingsJoe (16)
Prince
Prince is a 1-year-old boy from Texas who is hoping to be adopted.
Prince is
an easy-going baby who enjoys affection. He often smiles and enjoys
engaging in play with adults and with other children. Prince is
diagnosed with Sensory Integration Issues. He was evaluated by
the Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) and they felt he became
overstimulated by the outdoors. It is felt that he will overcome
these issues through therapy.
Fadia,
Prince, and David have a close relationship. They enjoy being in each
other's company and playing together. Fadia is a very talkative and
energetic youth who is fun to be around. David is a sweet,
affectionate child who can be shy at first. Prince is an easy-going
baby who enjoys affection. They always warmly greet one another and
are inseparable. They have their occasional conflicts, but make no
mistake, they love and care for one another. Visit us at the TARE Gallery.
Prince
needs to be placed with a family who can provide him with love and
nurturance and help promote his deveoplmental growth. It is
important that his family be educated about the challenges that he
may face later in life.
Sharday
Sharday is a 14-year-old girl from Texas who is hoping to be adopted. Sharday is very quiet and shy;
however, once she becomes comfortable with a person she can be very
open and will talk forever. Sharday enjoys writing and being on the
computer, she also enjoys playing basketball. She loves to draw and
be engaged in activities with others. She will share, but only when
she decides. Sharday is very protective of herself, space, and
belongings. She can have episodes when she gets sad. Sharday does
fairly well in her classes, but can excel with encouragement and
extra support. She struggles a little bit in reading. Sharday
receives extra help both at school and in her foster home. Sharday's
caseworker reports she is a well adjusted youth, that will tell you
how she feels and knows how to express her feelings positively.
Sharday is mindful of her actions and will accept responsiblity to
correct them. Sharday's foster mother says she is doing very well.
She helps others and will volunteer to do more if someone else is
unable to do it. Foster mother adds that Sharday is a good listener
and likes to ask a lot of questions because she is very curious. Visit me at the TARE Gallery. Sharday is a very loving girl who
is seeking stability in her life. She needs a family that is very
loving, caring and sensitive to her emotions. She needs a family
that is willing to work with her and spend quality time with her.
Not
all of this research I agree with, these are just some of the studies
done on birth mother's grief (there are more but not many) Don't let
one study detour you in any way from choosing or not choosing adoption.
Ask other birth moms and get several opinions before you decide. There
are many ways (I believe) to avoid some of the emotional pain others
have experienced in the past (not avoid, but more limit the conditions
that may bring on additional turmoil just not needed)Disenfranchised grief...I had heard of it before in Psych class, but never did I really get it until I became a birth mom.
This disenfranchised grief
is when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be openly
acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases of
disenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss is
not recognised or the griever is not recognised. The loss of a child
through adoption is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged,
which is why mothers often suffer in silence...people who have
experienced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sadness,
depression, hopelessness and numbness and that in cases of
disenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very long
time. The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.
If I had to describe adoption in one word, I would say it's "Bittersweet" a joytinged with sadness.
That's the way it seems to me. It is the happiest and the saddest thing
many will experience in life. It is not explainable with words, but on
our main website we try. Both parties experience both emotions (plus a
few more) it is not just one side happy and other sad. There are
moments of joy that only a mother about to let go of the best gift she
has ever been given, can experience. (I'm not saying extended amounts,
but there are minutes) The woman has basically put all of herself into
the hands of another family. It's as if they are adopting her too
(her heart at least) She truly must trust them completely with her
life and her child's. Once she gets that decision made, then, I think
the joy comes for her in tiny glimpses she pictures, of the child's
future. She is so happy to see them happy (in her view looking
to the future) Imagining the life her child will get to have. It is
hard to admit that the best thing for your child...(ok off topic, and
this could go on forever)
One last thing I want to mention about post-adoption grief
is that apparently adoptive mothers have it too...and the rate of it
seems to be growing. In fact a google search for post-adoption
depression, brins up all adoptive parents issues. http://www.adopting.org/pads.html and another article says,
"Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome" (PADS), which is not yet a distinct
illness recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. PADS can
range from a full-blown episode of severe depression that requires
hospitalization or just a simple case of the blues that lasts a month
or two. The few scientific studies of PADS indicate that over half of
adoptive mothers experience it. For example, in 1999 Harriet McCarthy,
manager of the Eastern European Adoption Coalition Parent Education and
Preparedness, surveyed 165 mothers who had adopted children from
Eastern Europe and found that 65% reported post-adoption depression.
Other researchers have determined that you are more likely to
experience PADS if you adopt from overseas or if your child has special
needs."
That's a disclaimer I would of like on the papers I signed! Geez. I don't know what to think of this. My first thought wasn't so nice, it was "Well hell (excuse me) don't sit around moaning about it, give em back
to us! We don't want them with a mom that doesn't 'feel' like a mom or
is having trouble dealing with social aspects of adoption" Don't spend time worring just bring em back please!" (My worst
nightmare is thinking about her living in a place where she becomes the
family's Cinderella. It's just, that I am sure ONE family of the
last 30 years, has regretted the decision to adopt? Ya know like a young couple who thought they were ready, but realized they have no clue.... Yet I have never heard of anyone 'giving them back' and I assume that would look so horrible on their part, that no one ever does. I'm
saying 1 in a million families"The child in that family is my worst
case scenario. In the last moments on our adoption day I said (maybe twice) "Now promise me
if you don't like her, that you will give her back" lol (of course they were stunned and I could tell already were in love with her-had been for a long time) I had the best family for her ever, seriously...she is 'set-up' for life. So after my
initial shock and defensiveness, I began to understand how adoptive moms
might feel this depression too and it is natural for any woman adjusting to a new child and new experiences. They wonder why women are more
depressed than men (the recent study everyone covered last week) They
said that woman have every opportunity now, excel in the
workplace and still aren't happy? I say duh, the majority of
them are mothers! Men don't
have the inate biological response to protect their child more than anything (at least I think, don't they want to provide shelter or something? lol I will get my biology book out that I couldn't sell back, and check myself here.) As society gets more dangerous, of course women will be affected by
that. Depressed or not, 30 more % of men lost jobs this year than women..so something women are doing is also keeping their jobs
safe! (so off topic again) I was just going to put one sentence before the
documents here....and now I also add a part of one study. This is a biased view
from a woman that doesn't like, more HATES adoption...so don't take the
context to be something I must believe as well. Adoption was very
different 30 years ago. This is in relation to post- adoption support:
Post-adoption and post-adoption "counseling" The
mother may have been told the loss of her child will affect her only
briefly around the time of her child's birthday. She may have been
advised that "open" adoption makes it all better. Openness is supposed
to help the child, because he is not completely cut off from his
origins. With an "open" adoption the mother may have some visitation or
promises of pictures or letters from the people who adopted. But with
an "open" adoption, the mother may be taken by surprise by the
intensity of the pain and anguish as time goes by and the adopters -
the people whoprofited from her suffering - grow increasingly distant
or cut her off completely. She may find it heartbreaking to think of
the little things - like brushing teeth or saying prayers - that she
cannot share with her child. Many mothers are unaware of their child's
thoughts and feelings about themselves and this unnatural custody
arrangement. This is certainly the case when the mother may simply has
no contact with her child. But when there is contact, it may be that
the child does not want to make his mother - either one of them - feel
bad by opening up to them with his true feelings. If her son or
daughter does comes to her for help in a situation where abuse does
occur, the mother - unable to do anything about it - may be completely
traumatized. Some mothers are "awake" from the start, aware their
child may not be "better off" adopted, but forced by economic
circumstances to surrender. Other moms may discover much later that
their child was badly affected by the traumatic separation from his
mother at birth and by being raised in an environment devoid of any
true family members. From a mother's perspective, it is horrifying to
discover her child felt "unwanted" by her. Post-adoption counseling
Books on "grieving a pet" are plentiful - yet there are almost no books
on grieving the loss of one's son, daughter or grandchild to adoption.
Few counselors in North America are knowledgeable of the intense
delayed suffering "disenfranchised grief" a mother may experience even
long after losing her child to adoption . This makes it difficult to find a good counselor.
In addition, counselors may have attended "Infant Adoption Awareness
Training" in which some attendees have been told that mothers who have
problems following the loss of their child to adoption are "few in
number and mentally ill". One can only wonder whether people who are
grieving a death or divorce are also too "mentally ill" to be worthy of
compassionate counseling. Note: There is a large market for newborn
babies for adoption in America. Adoption "counselors" in North America
like to refer to expectant parents as "birthparents" or "birthmothers", while calling the unrelated person hoping to adopt a "parent".
The objective of this so-called "respectful adoption language" is to
make the acquisition of healthy newborn babies by infertile people or
gay people seem "normal". The euphemism "adoption" is used to deflect
attention from the reality - this is a transfer of human babies from
loving (if naive or pressured) relatives to customers. The misleading,
disrespectful terms "birthmother", "birthfather" and "birthparents" are used on this website for search engine purposes only. The terms "mother", "father", "single parent", " family member" and "natural mother" are accurate, respectful, and nonderogatory terms. "Why Birthmother Means Breeder" by Diane Turski
Have you ever wondered what to say to a woman who has relinquished her child for adoption? Afraid to say the wrong thing? Here are five comments NOT to say to a Birthmother who has placed a child in an open adoption.
I. "I could never place my baby for adoption."
This
one used to make me cringe each time I hard it. I felt like I had
failed at motherhood and the person making the comment has succeeded.
That I must have been heartless to be able to do such an act. I felt
inferior, like I need to prove something to them. I
have since learned I am not inferior, and I do not have to prove my
mothering abilities to anyone. I believe now that comment has more to
do with the person making it, than myself. Never has a woman secure in
her role as a mother said that to me. Only the doubting,
struggling-to-get-by mothers who feel that they must make such a
declaration. II. "What a wonderful gift you have given to a childless couple" Try
to see this one from the Birthmother's point of view. Now, I love my
daughter's adoptive parents, but by no means did I place my first-born
child as a 'gift' to a childless couple. I am not that nice, not that
giving. When I clutched my nine-month pregnant belly with tears in my
eyes, I did not recite the phrase, "Just think how I am giving a
special gift to people I do not know". When
it comes down to the day when you hold your child for the first time,
all thoughts of anyone else but your child and yourself fade away.
There has to a higher reason for placement. I
gave Emily's parents as a gift to my daughter. That was my plan. That
was my intention. Now, as an added benefit, I see her parents lives
enriched by Emily's existence. Together, we celebrate the gift of
knowing our daughter, Emily.
III. "You can have other children" This
speaker means well, I am sure, but this comment can strike the very
heart of a Birthmother. Other children? You can never replace another
child with another! To try and do so is to dishonor the child you have
placed for adoption and the child you use to fill the void. Let
us remember our children. Let us celebrate them. We hold a special
place in our hearts where their names will be etched forever. No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you never will forget the one you did not.
IV. A lady once said to me, "That sure is 'nice' of her parents to let you see Emily." My quick reply was, "That sure was nice of me to give them my baby!" Needless
to say she said nothing more. I try to educate people by telling them
my story, even on days I do not feel like doing so. Some, I have
learned, are not able to be very teachable on the subject. Her
attitude was that I should be grateful, as a dog is grateful to get
scraps from the dinner table. I will not put myself in such a position.
I refuse to be the silent shadow in the corner with my eyes downcast. Aside
from the fact my daughter's parents would never treat me in such a
fashion, I am grateful to God. The open adoption I have with my
daughter is like a gift from Him-a gift that I get to open each time I
see her smiling face.
V. The fifth response a Birthmother does not want to hear is an awkward silence. We want to talk about our children. We want to remember them. We know when you are avoiding it, and it hurts. I
love it when others ask me how Emily is doing and to ask to see the
pictures from my recent visit. I enjoy swapping my labor and delivery
tales with other mothers. By the way, I was in labor for forty-two
hours with my Emily! Ouch! It
is okay to talk about the children we placed. We placed them for
adoption. We did not place them out of our thoughts and hearts. I
do not wish to offend others, but to educate how a Birthmother may feel
about these five comments. Since not every Birthmother is the same,
some may disagree or not be affected by the above. I
hope by reading this article you will feel more confident and
comfortable when speaking with a Birthmother. Please do not think we
would rather not talk about our children. Silence is the first step to
many on the road to shame.
May we have a heart and a zeal to save the poor and release the oppressed.
Scripture:
The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed.
-- Luke 4:18-19
Reflection:
This passage is a very familiar one. It has been preached on many occasions, even made popular in books and songs. Though the quote is about Jesus, all Christians take this commission seriously as a directive on how to reach the world with the gospel. We, like our Savior, are to bring the good news to the poor, the broken hearted, those in captivity, those who cannot see, and the oppressed.
The commission given to us in this passage is clearly a charge to care for those for whom God cares the most. I wonder though, whom do we look for to be touched by the Holy Spirit as we go out into the world?
Who are the poor, if not those unborn children who have been abandoned by their parents before they ever leave the womb? Who are the broken hearted, if not those unborn children whose only example of love is having their mother take them to an abortion clinic to be destroyed, or the mother of a child who has been deceived by everyone around her into believing that what she is doing is best for her and her child? Who are the captives, if not those unborn children who are bound over to death by the "choice" of abortion? Who is more blind than an unborn child in the darkness of a womb that has become a waiting room for their death? And who is more oppressed than those unborn children whose oppression has been legitimized by their government, their church and even their family and loved ones.
Prayer:
Lord, You empower us with Your Spirit to do your will in the earth. Send us to the poorest, the most broken, the most captive, the most blind and the most oppressed in the world, the innocent pre-born children in their mother's wombs that are scheduled for destruction. Help us to bring them healing, liberty, sight and justice through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.
Fr. Terry Gensemer National Director, Charismatic Episcopal Church for Life
NVIC Questions Safety of Giving Swine Flu vaccine http://www.youtube.com/user/NVICstandup Barbara Loe Fisher — http://www.nvic.org On April 26, a national public health emergency was declared by officials in the U.S. Departments of Health and Homeland Security. We were told it was necessary to declare a national emergency because people were getting sick from a new swine flu virus that began in Mexico and might cause a deadly influenza pandemic. So far, the vast majority of people who get sick with swine flu have symptoms that are no worse than the regular flu and recover completely. Three Week Testing of Swine Flu Vaccines — The declaration of a national public health emergency last spring set a chain of events in motion: some schools were closed, some people were quarantined and drug companies were given billions of tax dollars to create experimental swine flu vaccines. These new vaccines are being fast tracked by the FDA. We are being told they will only be tested for a few weeks on a few hundred children and adults before being given to children in schools in October. National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act of 1986 [PL99-660] 1. Provide vaccine benefit & risk information before vaccination. 2. Record vaccine manufacturer's name and lot number. 3. Record vaccines in Child's medical record. 4. Record and Report serious health problems after vaccination.
Birth Mom Missions provides a much needed (and often overlooked) service to women who have placed their child for adoption. We offer guidance before, after and during the adoption process to all women who ask, regardless of their choices made. Much of this is done through phone conversations, emails, letters, prayers and social networking correspondence. We are dedicated to providing nonjudgmental assistance to any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and guidance for those who choose to become birth mothers.
Two birthmother's began the mission, when they realized the great need for birth mother support before and after an adoption.
We offer local supportive groups (growing nationwide) made up of women who have been through the similar experiences. We want to provide young women in the future with the knowledge and support that we wish we had from a birth mother. Someone who knew what it was like and was totally unbiased. Someone to talk to us, inform us, guide us, emphasize with us, and answer all our silly questions. One goal of the mission is to someday see every pregnant woman that is considering adoption, have at least one birth mother mentor.
The mission touches the lives of those adopted, adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, pregnant woman at risk, the unborn, and other parts of society in ways yet to be seen.
Some background: It seems that the grief which results from adoption loss more often follows a pattern which is the exact opposite of what one might expect in the case of other losses. I have reached certain conclusions on the grief associated with adoption loss, based on my own experience, the experiences of the women I have encountered and the books on grief and grief counselling which I have read. It became obvious to me that the common models of grief counselling would not work with mothers who had lost children through adoption. I concluded that the grief resulting from the loss of a child through adoption was fundamentally different from other types of grief. I explored grief associated with abortion, with stillbirth and neo-natal death and with loss of custody. Although there were some similarities, it seemed that adoption grief was unique.
This disenfranchised grief is when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases of disenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss is not recognised or the griever is not recognised. The loss of a child through adoption is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, which is why mothers often suffer in silence...people who have experienced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness and numbness and that in cases of disenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very long time. The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.
CONCLUSIONS: The relinquishing mother is at risk for long-term physical, psychological, and social repercussions. Although interventions have been proposed, little is known about their effectiveness in preventing or alleviating these repercussions." Journal of Obstetric, Gynecological and Neonatal Nursing, 1999 Jul-Aug. pp.395-400.
We hope to help this by raising awareness among the community and create services for her recovery.
Many different groups of people fear birth parent grief for many reasons. The old adage goes that people fear what they don't know. So, we would like to shed a little light on why birth parent grief isn't meant to be scary to adoptive parents, adoptees or the general public.
We stress the birth mother aspect because we feel it is what makes us a unique organization and allows us to truly "tell it like it is" to women just like ourselves. Unfortunately we missed out on an older birth mom mentor, but we want to provide help to women in the future that experience an unexpected or crisis pregnancy and choose life. We are dedicated to providing nonjudgmental assistance to any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and guidance for those who choose to become birth mothers. Another goal of Birth Mom Missions is to increase media awareness of Birth Mother's day (set in 1990 as the day before mother's day each year)
Founders:
Two birth mother's began this mission when they became aware of the great need for support of birth mother's post adoption. They had "roomed" together in a local adoption agengy dorm. During, their final 3 months of pregnancy. they experienced the good and the bad, the ups and the downs and everything else you could think of...together as birth mothers' of adoption,. They quickly realized just how important their friendship was then and continues to be. They lived with 30 other birth mothers (ages 13 to 40) and wre able to see several different perspectives on adoption from all sides of the triad (as the dorm was at an adoption facility)
(options to bithmom: lifemom, firstmom, tummymom, etc...In actuality most birth moms of adoption don't really care what they are called by the adoptive family and others....as long as they are called.)
The 3 main focuses within Birth Mom Missions are:
1. Support & Advice for Womenpre-and post adoption. Sometimes people surrounding adoption can unintentionally cause a birth parent to feel guilty or shameful. Unfortunately, guilt and shame seem to be an ever-evolving presence in the life of a parent who has placed a child for adoption. While no two birth parents are going to experience guilt in the same way throughout their entire journeys, birth parents should find comfort in knowing that some other birth parent, somewhere on this Earth, has felt something similar. While our experiences are unique, the issue is not. You are never alone.
A few of the services we will provide: local & nationwide supportive groups, online live meetings, prayer groups, monthly newsletters, triad forums, a 1-800 phone support line (maintained only by real birth mother's, who have been in a similar situation before,) worksheets and references for before and after to help women process the life changing events that have just occurred, and much more. We also help birth mom's in communication activities with the adoptive parents and help them vocalize all their important questions early.. It can be very intimidating making that first call to tell a couple they are about to have a family. (Many questions you might not think of, with all you have going on,) Most importantly a community of women and supporters of Birth Mom Missions praying for you through it all.
2. Birth Mom's for Life: Mother Teresa says it best, "I will tell you something beautiful. We are fighting abortion by adoption..." Pregnancy is an emotional time for a woman, even under the best of circumstances. She needs someone to lean on, particularly when she is young and inexperienced. In today's society, the "easy" solution of abortion becomes a constant temptation during this time. Our mission is to cherish children, encourage families, and tell women of the experiences we have had and witnessed We offer peer mentoring and support to all mothers who are expecting through pregnancy or adoption, or those who are experiencing the pain of miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, or infertility. Volunteers offer support in the form of phone calls, cards, prayers, visits, emails, and educational resources
We advocate adoption as an REAL option and go to schools and other locations to spread the word about what an honor it is to be able to give the gift of life! Although it may be hard at sometimes to be a birth mother, we believe it is much harder to suffer an abortion. Some things, like a life, are never easily forgotten.
3. Adoption Celebration, Advocacy & Reform- We want to spread how wonderful adoption can be, but we see some things that could be changed for the better. We were able to see a lot from our perspective, living in an adoption dorm. We also seek to make sure every adoptee knows they are loved and missed everyday. Because the worst pain is that of feeling unwanted. They were always wanted. And finally, we provide a resource for the community to see what real birth mother's are like (instead of the "madefor TV version" many are exposed to) We promote Birth Mother's Day every year, Answering Adoptive parents questions they may have, and alieviate some fears on all sides.
We have a few products for birth mom's at http://zazzle.com/birthmoms for sell, but mainly we would appreciate if you would help us spread the word by joining or telling someone about BirthMomMissions.Com. You can becoming a fan of our facebook page, or many other groups listed on this page.
We are just getting started so bear with until we iron out the kinks. Any advice or suggestions are always appreciated. In the first few weeks of our mission, we experienced some domain issues and may have lost some emails sent to us. If you are one of those who never got a reply, please send again and we truly apologize for not responding sooner.
Even More Info:
The truth remains that birth parents have parted with a huge piece of themselves. Even the most independent woman will tell you that having a child changes a woman's view of herself. Placing that child is akin to letting go of a piece of yourself.
The wording often offered up to birth parents searching for some answers comes out something like, "Well, it's for the best." Of course, birth parents can then internalize that well-intentioned placating sentence and start to wonder what is fundamentally wrong with them that their child is better off elsewhere.
Why are we needed? One reason is:
Every year approximately 1.3 million single women become unexpectedly pregnant. Sadly, less than two percent choose the loving option of adoption, while two million couples eagerly wait to adopt children.
(More on Mission Page)
Donations:
Donations are graciously accepted. We hate asking for them though, which is something we will probably have to learn how to do in order to exist! We strive to do what is good and we feel God is calling us to do...if we don't have the funds needed at any certain time, it can be a good indicator that we were not going in the right direction!
If you want to donate, we would greatly appreciate any donations no matter how small! All donors are honored in some way and have full knowledge of where ther money went and how (or who) there money is helping. It is not just a tax deductable charity donation, it's a gift that saves lives and gives women courage and hope in times of weakness. Right now, our 24/7 Crisis pregnancy Hotline and Post Adoption Support gets the most activity and so any small funds would go directly towards that payment. Our online presence is the next area item difficult costly to maintain. We offer individual counseling and spread awareness and love for all those involved in the adoption triad! Let us know how we can help you or if you are interested in getting more involved. Join one of our MANY groups or social networks!
SO IF YOUR ADOPTED, REMEMBER: Somebody is very proud of you. Somebody is thinking of you. Somebody misses you. Somebody wants to be with you. Somebody is thankful for you. Somebody wants to hold your hand. Somebody hopes everything turns out all right. Somebody wants you to be happy. Somebody wants to give you a gift. Somebody thinks you ARE a gift. Somebody wants to hug you. Somebody wants to protect you. Somebody can't wait to see you. Somebody loves you for who you are. Somebody treasures your spirit. Somebody wants you to know they never forgot you.. Somebody would do anything for you. Somebody wants to share their dreams with you. Somebody believes in you. Somebody will cry when they read this. Somebody needs you to have faith in them. Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you. Somebody hopes you understand. Somebody wonders if you will love them. Somebody is your birth mom out there...
Littlejohn
is age appropriate in both height and weight and he is able to
complete personal hygiene tasks without assistance. Things that
make Littlejohn happy is having a good relationship with his
sister, swimming, and going on field trips. Littlejohn has a good
appetite and enjoys a variety of foods.
