This one hits home, huh?
I admit I can only watch the first 5 seconds then I loose it. But this is a clip from a DVD I made her. This is Chapter 11, th last chapter on the menu screen. Its all my favorite old movies and songs I wnt her to know. Ill post em all sometime. And this is part of the mission too. If you'd like me to make a DVD for your child that represents you. email me and we can talk. You can examples in different places on the web.
(First part was written back in 06 about blogging...')
http://www.facebook.com/adoptionsupport#!/note.php?note_id=10150095064559212
So blogging turned out not to be so weird. Many "birthmoms" are encouraged too, more than I noticed before. The agency I went to now asks many to blog about their experiences (after they edit them of course). I have a bit of a sour opinion of my agency though, so I wouldn’t do anything to help promote their cause. I never name them though.
Here is the thing I don’t understand….How can these birth mothers blog about how they TRULY feel. It’s impossible, I say. Even if anonymously written, to tell the truth would give away your identity without much thought required. I know the adoptive parents don't read my blog and I think I want l to keep it that way. I would feel too guilty to ever write honestly how I miss her. My agency, BTW, might have encouraged that thinking…they told us not to dry or sound sad when talking to the parents, because they can feel horrible gilt about it. (That was their last piece of post-adoption advice to me!)
I sent in letter asking for updates. So everyday I wait for an update. I want to know if she is ok and see her smiling face. I wonder what she looks like know? Every time I get an update, she has changed SO MUCH! I bet her hair is long now, I wonder what color? Can she walk and talk well? How is her health? These thoughts go through my head every day, many times. It’s the time before bed that is the worst, how can a mom sleep with such little knowledge of her child’s health and heart?
I wasn't clear enough at the beginning how many updates I wanted. I guess I didn’t know, and I was focused on the little task of labor first. I blame myself, I made the choice after all, these are the consequences I knew could happen.
My nightstand... (maybe a little much?) It's only been a year :)
Updated: Now I know now there are MANY birth moms that have blogs, some have been blogging long before I ever did. If you want to list your blog and are a "birthmom, first mom, whatever you like call it" you can list it here, if ya want. I bought the domain for Birth Mom Missions, years ago, it's probably about time we use it!
Just post your blog in the right category! "Baby Scoop Era" and "Perfect Open adoptions "allowed! We each had a different experience that's for sure!
Love ya'll
Maybe you should hurry too, because one day it might be a good idea to charge 5 bucks to join the site. I know alot of adoptive blogging pay for advertisement. But we shouldn't have to if we ever get a donation or I win the lottery and that will hopefully happen someday! I don't think it means we are doing very good, if still the only donation we have received is from my dad, and that was just to pay for the non-profit certification fee. Remember when we first started up, those old comments when people thought we were making money off exploiting adoption? haha. I will let you girls know if we ever get a donation though! I think our "reviews"are our best donations though, the rest will come someday!"
Does she play in her tutu I got for her? Does it fit? Isn't pink her favorite color?
What words can she say?
Does she have an accent like me?
Is her stomach doing ok? Does she regularly poop?
Does she like to take baths or not?
What’s her favorite song?
Her favorite book?
Do you sing or read her to sleep at night?
Do you ever play the songs I put on the CD for her to hear?
How well can she talk now?
Does she make friends easily?
What is her Last name? Or just her middle one?
Does she recognize people after meeting them just once?
How is her teething coming along?
Does she have an overbite? (I did)
How was she on the first plane trip she took?
Does she share well with others?
Is she picky about anything?
What is the most annoying thing she does? (If any)
Has she asked questions about why she looks different yet?
I could go on forever, and I do in my mind, everyday.
Can you just tell me everything about her, I long so deep to know who she is. Hug her for me, PLEASE!
http://www.thestoryofagirl.com/my-diary/
This
page is just pieces of my diary over the past five years or so. I got
this awesome software that will dictate my speech and type up anything I
say, so I’m just going through all my writings and FINALLY going to
get them documented somewhere! I am not a big fan of typing, or else I
would be sharing so much more with you. These entries are not very well
organized yet, but you can probably tell what time it is written y who
I am addressing it to.
So if some of the words are a bit off,
it’s probably because the dictation software heard me wrong and I have
yet to correct it. For example: “I have so many hopes and James for you” just go ahead and assume that means dreams…lol I put different entries in different colors, to make it a little clearer
———————————————————————————————————————
I
just found this in my old notes. Thought I’d post it because I’ll
probably never randomly find it again in all my mess of papers. It is
not good or anything, it’s just what I remember writing a few weeks
after the adoption placement day. I was already ready preparing for our
reunion before a month had even passed. I was thinking of what I would
write on one of the many cards I intended to give her, when we met. How
could I explain to her what I had done? – was the biggest thing on my
mind. Maybe it still is…
Dear Daughter, There is something I’ve always wanted to say.
It’s something I’ve thought about everyday. I tried to say my goodbye’s on adoption day, like I knew I should.
I just want you to know, I never really could.
I never really said goodbye, although sometimes people wished I would.
No, I carried you with me every day, and never let a memory of you go away.
Throughout your childhood I watched you grow.
I cherished each photo more than you’ll ever know! I bragged about you often, like every mother does.
But I knew YOU really were the best their ever was!
Still a missing part of my heart, I wished did never depart. Cause all I had were pictures and written tales about you. And I always knew there was so much more to YOU.
I cried so many nights, wishing I could hold you again. You were so used to my touch, way back then. I
prayed you would want to see me when would you grew older, and not give
me the could shoulder. But I’d love you even if you did, because you
are MY kid!
Now I can’t believe the passing of time is done!
I finally get to meet YOU and tell how proud I am of who you have become!
I’ll
see you tomorrow. Please, don’t be nervous sweetie. I am alot like you, and I’ll understand your heart no matter what you say or do.
One goal of Birth Mom Missions is to increase media awareness of Birth Mother's day (which has been the day before mother's day every year since 1990)
Remember....if you are adopted, your Birth Mother Loves You!
(options to birthmom: lifemom, firstmom, tummymom, etc...In actuality most birth moms of adoption don't really care what they are called by the adoptive family and others....as long as they are called.)
“So on Birthmother’s Day I find myself in the grocery store buying a dozen yellow roses for myself, just as I will do again this year. And I will write to me a card that says, “A good mother does what is best for her children ... you are a good mother.” And I will put them on the table and I will glance at them throughout the day. I may even have the courage to breathe in their sweet scent. Their presence in my house, and on my table, will be a reminder that sometimes being a good mother is something I have to do alone. Without thank you’s or giggles of joy, when there are no smiles of pride to confirm, when there are no handmade cards to open carefully, when there are no gifts to exclaim surprise over, when there are no party hats or balloons to throw out, when there is no cake to cover, when there are no laps or little arms to embrace ... when it is just simply a dozen yellow roses sitting atop my kitchen table seemingly whispering all day long; I remember the reason I am a good mother.
Happy Birthmother’s Day to all my yellow rose girls who will be remembering the same thing as I this coming Saturday!
Explanation of Birthmother’s day:
Birthmother’s day is a day to celebrate and honor our birthmotherhood. Its a day to reflect on the choice we made and the life we gave. Its a day to recognize, that we are good mothers who made the ultimate sacrifice for our children. History on Birthmother’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother’s Day. It originated in 1990 by a group of birthmothers in Seattle, Washington. Most birthmothers will agree that Mother’s Day is a very painful holiday and these women wanted to create something that would honor their birthmotherhood.
Celebrating Birthmom’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day unites birthmoms. A lot of agencies and organizations are hosting birthmother’s day events and it has become more recognized by the adoption community as a day of remembrance for birthmothers. Check with agencies, support groups, and adoption related organizations in your area to see if they might be hosting a Birthmom’s Day event. If not, then celebrate on your own. Treat yourself to a special dinner or buy yourself a rose - something to celebrate your birthmotherhood!!
Before I became a birth mom I had no idea there was such a thing. Then when mother's day rolled around last year, just a month after placement day, it was nice to find there was a holiday for us women who didn't really fit into the "mother's day" category to be remembered. We hope next year to have enough funds in the nonprofit to celebrate in a much bigger way and affect more women (pre and post adoption) I wish for all adoptee's to know how much they are truly loved by us. I will never stop loving my daughter. When she is old enough and the parents tell her about me, I want her to be able to see that I never stopped loving her from the moment I said goodbye, Ask us for any advice on gift selections or wording: info@birthmommissions.com
We would appreciate if you would help us spread the word by joining on of our many social networks, donating, or telling someone about http://birthbommissions.com, or becoming a fan of our facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/BirthMomMissions
Now all
donations to this facebook cause will go directly to the mission! Now we can
really get to work! Our main website (birthmomissions.com) has been updated, and
also several other thing...s. Any suggestions are always welcome too. Our new toll
free phone number is 1-888-4ULOVED (catchy huh?) but for the next week our
temporary number is: 866-718-9756. Hopefully it's an easy enough number to
remember and you can give it out the next time run into someone in need of our
support. It's free and they can call 24/7 to talk to a birth mom. That's about
it, just wanted to let you know we ere.
I don't like sending too many cause updates (think I have only sent 3
total over the year) because I know how annoying they can be consuming your
inbox! So if you want to be updated more often on where we are in the process of
growing the mission, you can subscribe here: http://birthmomsupport.com/updates/embed.form.php
About
Birth Mom Missions provides a much needed (and often overlooked) service to
women who have placed their child for adoption. We offer guidance before,
after and during the adoption process to all women who ask, regardless of their
choices made. Much of this is done through phone conversations, emails, letters,
prayers and social networking correspondence. We are dedicated to providing
nonjudgmental assistance to any woman facing an unplanned pregnancy and guidance
for those who choose to become birth mothers. Birth Mothers have parted with
a huge piece of themselves. Even the most independent woman will tell you that
having a child changes a woman's view of herself. Placing that child is akin to
letting go of a piece of yourself. We offer local supportive groups (growing
nationwide) made up of women who have been through the similar experiences. We
want to provide young women in the future with the knowledge and support that we
wish we had from a birth mother. Someone who knew what it was like and was
unbiased. Someone to talk to us, inform us, guide us, emphasize with us, and
answer all our silly questions. One goal of the mission is to someday see every
pregnant woman that is considering adoption,to have at least one birth mother
mentor. The mission touches the lives of those adopted, adoptive parents,
hopeful adoptive parents, pregnant woman at risk, the unborn, and other parts of
society in ways yet to be seen.
Some background: It seems that the
grief which results from adoption loss more often follows a pattern which is the
exact opposite of what one might expect in the case of other losses. From my
research, I have made certain conclusions on the grief associated with adoption
loss, based on my own experience, the experiences of the women I have
encountered and the books on grief and grief counselling which I have read. It
became obvious to me that the common models of grief counselling would not work
with mothers who had lost children through adoption. I concluded that the grief
resulting from the loss of a child through adoption was fundamentally different
from other types of grief. I explored grief associated with abortion, with
stillbirth and neo-natal death and with loss of custody. Although there were
some similarities, it seemed that adoption grief was unique. This
disenfranchised grief is when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be
openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases of
disenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss is not
recognised or the griever is not recognized. The loss of a child through
adoption is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, which is why
mothers often suffer in silence...people who have experienced any type of loss
often feel anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness and numbness and that
in cases of disenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very long
time. The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to
it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.
The 3 main goals
within Birth Mom Missions are: 1. Support & Advice for Women pre-and post
adoption. 2. Birth Mom's for Life: Every year approximately 1.3 million
single women become unexpectedly pregnant. Sadly, less than two percent choose
the loving option of adoption, while two million couples eagerly wait to adopt
children. The abortion rate continues to rise. Each day, women wake up in our
community believing abortion is the only realistic solution to an unplanned
pregnancy. 3. Adoption Celebration, Advocacy &
Reform Donations/Support:
We would appreciate if you would help us
spread the word by joining or telling someone about BirthMomMissions.Com. You
can becoming a fan of our facebook page.http://facebook.com/birthmommissions
This birthmom deal is not at all like I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my decision! I know she was meant to be adopted into her family. I am still so amazed at how clear that was. It's just that post-adoption is nothing at all like I thought, not even close. Not worse, not better, just different. I guess all I had to go on was my own imagination at the time! Come to think of it, I don't know how I pictured it, maybe I didn't..Or maybe God was helping me see the goodness and love in it, and I just forget now at times. When I saw her and her family together in person or in pictures, it just made me so happy. It always has, I just don't get to see as many pics as before.
It just seemed much more "do-able" then. It still is, it's just that every emotion that I think should be next, is always the total opposite in reality. Usually my body starts aching when I am trying to avoid an emotion, and it isn't until my body gives out that I will acknowledge the pain. I'm just all over the place with my feelings. It's an overall icky feeling when time goes by and the memory of someone you can see slowly drifting away. It's like you know that's supposed to happen and it is how anyone grieves a loss and gets better over time, but I want to fight it inside with all my heart too! Is that self-destructive behavior then? Cause I don't want to follow the steps anymore in my grief processing pamphlet. I want to just call it a day and set up base at #6 for a while. If I were her (my daughter), I don't think I would want...yeah I'm sure I wouldn't want, to be forgotten in the least bit. Even if she resented me for the adoption, I would like her to know I never went a second without thinking about her. But it's not about holding onto it because I feel guilty and think it will hurt her to move on (that is the common response I get from people) It's more selfish than that. Instead I can't (or it feels I can't) let go because I think it will hurt ME to do so. If it's biological, then why try process anything, it's ingrained in you. Maybe it is inevitable though, the mind just will forget... and that just, well, sucks. That's my feeling about the dang grief processing model!
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. - C.S. Lewis
I don't lie the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief (that is just not enough steps 4 me) Looking at any grief processing theory, even with 10 steps, doesn't make you thrilled for the future...
I found this articel and website interesting: http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/adoption4.html And this little quote proves my beliefs on attachement may be true:
"Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn't begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the primal wound'." So writes Nancy Verrier in her book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child (1993).
But what a fetus most needs--from the earliest moments after conception--is to feel a sense of connection with its mother, a feeling from her that he or she is loved, but more than just loved, welcomed--if not on the practical, physical level of knowing for sure that she will ultimately parent the child, then on the more spiritual realm of recognizing it to be a child of God, an innocent being that needs nurturance in this moment.
A woman with a crisis pregnancy may not feel entitled to bond with her baby. She may believe--like society in general tends to believe, especially if she is even considering adoption for her child--that it is her "job" not to do what is usually the natural thing, which is to embrace that baby on some level. I think it's critical that a woman in this circumstance be supported and guided in following her instinct to connect with her baby, with the crucial--and perhaps liberating--understanding that the unknown future of their relationship together need not--and should not!--dictate that she not connect with the baby now.
I dream of a big happy house with lots of smiles and laughs and good food and music on the radio, and oh how I wish that for you...will you have that? I don't know right now what will await you, or me, after you arrive into this world... But whatever home you have later, I want your home now to be secure. As I rub my belly I wonder what you feel in there, do you feel my love for you? Do you feel my fear, too? You probably do, but feel my love more, okay? Feel my love...
Hand in hand with this sense of not being entitled to claim the baby, there is sometimes the feeling of shame on the part of a woman facing a crisis pregnancy, that she's made this big "mistake", perhaps feels that she's letting lots of people down--her parents, her boyfriend, etc.--and may not even feel worthy of claiming the baby inside her. The feeling may be that she'll "save" the baby by staying detached from it: "I'm not going to screw up your life, too."
A woman having these types of feelings can hopefully be led to an understanding that regardless of how she views herself--or how anyone else "on the outside" may view her--and regardless of her difficult circumstances, the most important thing for her baby is to feel her very real, claiming presence. She needs to know that she is everything to her baby, if only for this short time in her womb.
Here is a summary on grief processing theories over the years:
Grief is a Natural process. Everyone has griefs, both large and small:
A large grief might be the loss of a loved one grief, a rape grief, incest grief, or loosing a limb grief.
A small grief might be the canceling of an important event like the next bif family wedding, or cutting yourself on broken glass during dishes.
the biblical phrase "Grieve Not" - it’s real, but really says, "Grieve with hope".
The first Study (I think) on grief was by Dr. Erich Lindeman, Harvard College, Scholarly paper "Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief" published in the American Journal of Psychiatry in the 1960’s. The grieving person has to "extricate himself from the bondage to the deceased and find new patternsof rewarding interaction." The study found differences between 'normal grief' and 'morbid grief':
Normal grief achieves the separation.
Morbid grief is self-perpetuating and never ending.
Dr. Lindeman then described 5 things he saw in acute grief. These are now known as the "Five Stages of Grief" and are relatively well known in the counseling realm; at least my mother the pastor has talked about them since she was in seminary as something everyone knew or should know. So: here goes. The 5 Stages of Grief: (traditional)
Somatic Distress: Physical pain, usually in your heart or forehead. (Note: I haven’t ever grieved by finding my big toe hurt a lot. That’s another problem, relating to the pickle jar you were just holding)
Preoccupation with the image of the deceased.
Guilt
Anger
Loss of patterns of conduct
People don’t always move between them in order; Everyone doesn’t have each stage in an equal amount;, People can be in more than one stage at once.
There’s some new thinking on this subject. (My most plausible) Many books now refer to there being 10 stages. The Ten Stages of Grief (developed over last 10 years)
Ten Stages of Grief
1. SHOCK: Anesthetized against the overwhelming loss. Not comprehending and not able to face the full magnitude of it.
2 EMOTIONAL RELEASE: Beginning to realize how dreadful the loss is. Venting or releasing these feelings is better than trying to repress them.
3. 3 DEPRESSION, LONELINESS AND UTTER ISOLATION: Feeling of “No help for me.” Down in the depths of despair. Should know this is a NORMAL feeling. Aided by EXPRESSED CONCERN.
4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS: “Ill” with symptoms related to the loss. Best help is to understand the grief process
5. PANIC: Convinced “something is wrong with me” as a person, can concentrate on little else. May fear losing the mind.
6. GUILT FEELINGS: May recall own past neglect, mistreatment, or wrong to the deceased. Wrongs may be imaginary or exaggerated. But they may be REAL wrongs with REAL guilt. Confession and unburdening of real guilt gives best relief. “Forgiveness” of real wrongs, as if they were imaginary, is no adequate solution.
7. HOSTILITY: Feeling better leads to expressing self more actively. Hostile expressions toward those who “caused” the loss are common. Such hostility is normal but not to be encouraged.
8. INABILITY TO RENEW NORMAL ACTIVITIES: Cannot get back to “business as usual.” Must bear loss alone, since others are back to normal activities. Need encouragement to face new realities, not to be sheltered from them.
9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES: Not “old self again,” because there is a new situation. Stronger, deeper, better for having faced and overcome the disaster.
I lived with 31 birth mom's ages 13-45, so I got a pretty good feel of some different perspectives from them. Hope it helps!
I wrote this on my Adoption Network Group on Linkedin. The group seems to learn a lot from each other. You can join if you want, just click the link! It is also on Birth Mom Missions, of course.
I know a lot of time and thought goes into most adoptive parent's profile. Here are some things I looked for when choosing a family, and some things I didn't look for too. I looked for photos and content that showed an active outdoor lifestyle. Showing how you would take them snow skiing, to the beach, to the lake, to historical monuments, etc...All the things we birth mothers can't give them and want them to have.
One of the main reasons that a lot of girls. including me, went through with an adoption, was because we wanted our child to have a mother and father. So I'd suggest somehow showing that your relationship is sturdy and will last
Big thing for me. The other kids! How many cousins, relatives, close friends have young children. I want her to grow up with playmates and peers and have FUN. So cute shots of your niece and nephew playing are a plus. don't overkill on the pics with you surrounded by kids though. It's too obvious, and looks like your kinda weird....jk! Grandma and Grandpa are a plus... (but not a requirement)
I wanted a strong Christian family, that really followed God and worked daily to know Him more. That's hard to convey in pics and words...but some do it very well.
I am not suggesting anyone lie, it's best to be honest on everything. You don't have to be the CEO of some huge company for us to think your financially secure...(almost anything was more security than I could offer at the moment) Sometimes the profiles look too much like a job application or recommendation letter.. All of the girls (I mean, huge pregnant girls) shared profiles with each other and when they decide on one they would pass it around the room, half bragging over their choice and half scared they missed something and picked the wrong one. I had my roommate go thru it a dozen times for me, just in case I mssed some huge warning flag .(like something in the background that would give them away..haha) We ruminated over those profiles for days, it was probably the first time any of us ever experienced what it was like to be a mom, and make decisions so crucial toyour child's future! What if? What if ? I had God answering me quite a bit then though! But after the decision is finally made, for good, on a couple, I have never seen anyone change their mind. In a way this is when the process begins where the birth mom slowly falls in love with the family of her choice (maybe because we know we have to or maybe it just comes natural. I'm leaning on the natural side, because (speaking for myself) I wasn't thinking all that deep then! I was just wondering what my body was going to do next, and "is that normal?" haha
My "counselor" case worker asked me if I could pick five things very detailed what would they be. So I said mainly just for fun because I knew no one would have EVERYTHING I wanted for her. But the next day, what do ya know? She handed me "the profile" "My wishlist" of the perfect family was: 1. They had to be from Texas and live in Texas and love Texas (simple request,lol) That is just important to me.. I want her to grow up with lakes and land and friendly people all around her! 2. I said I wanted a sports family, football especially. I wanted a dad that went to a Texas college and after college watched almost every football game. (is a UT grad Longhorn for life, close enough!) I wanted him to be tall and strong and very protective. (This was all what I just came up with for fun when she asked, I'm not really this shallow. It is just amazing that the family was what I described jokingly the day before. I even said 3. I'd prefer a blonde mom (cause I am blonde? Maybe a weird way of "kinda" like me. Then when we met after she is all grown up, I wouldn't seem like such a foreign figure to her..yeah I thought that out a little too much. There is always hair dye) 4. I said a big backyard. there's was huge! 5. I wanted a Christian family (that was the main #1 factor a profile had to have before I would even consider it. That is just me though. Most of the other girls did not care one bit about their religion, and "really a Christian" who walk with god daily. 6. I slipped in how I'd like if they have boat on the lake, and were naturally athletic in their genes (cause she will be) and yep they actually had that one too. All of these things were shown in their profile, that is why I was truly shocked. They picked these out as important, if they put in on these pages...we think alike too! Ok, that was freaky and rare...but point is, there is a perfect fit for everyone, and it will happen!
I fell in love with my daughter's parents as soon as I saw their profile. But it was when I met the mother a few days later, that it truly sealed the deal. It was like I had known her all my life. We taped the adoption day (all 4 hours of it) and the mother I chose and I, had the exact same movements and cues. I mean we would both turn our head the same way at the time in response to something we heard...like that. It was cool too watch. I wanted to tell them that day, but everyone suggested I read some more profiles first and sleep on it. So I did...but when you know, you just know. God was all over our adoption, I guess no one saw it from my point of view though. I knew what I was doing and I knew what God was doing through me. I haven't ever been sure of myself or able to make decisions.. it was SO Not Me in charge at all. For the first time I understood, I felt it, what God's ultimate sovereignty really means. Nothing is done by mistake, it is ALL in His plan. God is God and he authors all. My rape brought much suffering, but He planned that to show me this new view of him. (And to complete a family, save my life, let me love this way, etc etc) Before all of this, I thought evil happens and then God sees it and then uses it for good..I was totally short changing God and bringing him down to my human level so I could understand. We can't understand and that is what makes his gift of salvation so much sweeter. And isn't it easier to live when you know whatever bad happens, God put it there for a reason (that is ALWAYS for your ultimate good) I am so preachy today. Geez.. Sorry. What I was trying to get to was.....Don't sweat the profiles or the waiting period, enjoy it, because only God can make it happen. In my experience, it isn't until you give up, that God starts making things happen.
The online parent profile blogs, which I have seen lately, are a wonderful way to put it all in order! I love them! Our adoption was no where near that open. I thought an "open" adoption meant you get letters. Now I know. The agency even keeps the parent's last names secret and so I won't know my daughter's middle or last name until -? So when I later saw couples posting there entire lives online for birth moms to view, I was shocked! The agencies can get in the way, that is for sure.
Another bonus is to have the husband describe the wife's personality and the wife describe the husband. It allows you to say so much more. Describe your partner's personality, but don't forget to put something romantic in too! (what made you fall for her, or what is your favorite thing about you wife, etc...) The romantic stuff is cute and needed in any relationship, just don't go overboard with it. A little genuine love will go along way when a birth mother sees it between you both. I think most of us b moms would rather not our child go through a divorce as well as an adoption at birth.
Try tomake fun of each other in your profile. I liked the ones with a sense of humor. Like ur adoptive mom (the Hopeful AP then) was so excited/nervous/happy all at once. She was just real. for instance the both put there favorite tv shows, and maatter how random of a show it would have been, I know they would be honest. There was an equal mix of humor and seriousness. Like I didnt want the perfect family" if there is such a thing...I wanted the family most like me and I am... well random.
Oh a gift (after the birth mom chooses you) is a nice gesture! I mean a card or some cookies. My AP's gave me these comfy pajamas, and I wear them a lot now and feel closer to her(my daughter) for some reason. I got flowers in the delivery room! I loved that. They were the only ones I got and they came at the perfect time! Don't fall for the old line, " I wanted to get her a card, but then I thought it might bring up old memories" That is BS, like we need a card to conjure up a memory, my daughter is always with me. And we don't get mad or offended very easily anyways. I found this out through research and through personal experience. Befor ewe were birth moms, many of us had a common personality aready, which allows one to do such a thing.
These are some of the responses (names changed for privacy) It seemed to help a few, so maybe it can help more parents struggling with these silly profiles. It’s too much pressure to put all of yourself in one little flip book, if you ask me. But it’s also difficult to choose a future for your child based off of that to. That is why I say, if your going to try adoption, you must have a ton of faith and hope! I have no clue, but i imagine the waiting would be hardest part. You have to just close your eyes, pray and jump in. We need to work out a better system though for getting to know the parents. My solution for everything these days is to videotape instead! But not sure how that would go over with the agencies.
I could go on forever with more on this subject. At least I learned a lot out of the time spent with 30 hormonal and hungry woman in the same space! Our room turned into the "counseling" room somehow. And that is where you learn EVERYTHING about someone. See that's why I feel so strongly that birth moms need a birth mom counselor thru the process, there are just things you can't ask or can't say to anyone but another birth mother. This also helps the AP's too, because the bm's decision is well thought out with the other birth mom (all scenarios have been tried out) and she is sure you are the parents for her child. Thus we avoid the "I changed my mind, oops" reaction after you have already fallen in love. (and those are rare horror stories, promise) Actually only .01% of adoptions are contested by the birth mom later. So the Lifetime Channel needs to come up with a different storyline!
yes, it is a help. I am struggling to complete our profile at this time. I’m a graphic designer by day and therefore am wanting our profile to be PERFECT and I know I’m making myself crazy over it. We are just normal people who want a family. I find it difficult to “sell” ourselves. This is helpful.
Just be who you are. Don’t be what your not. Show your heart and show you care. Show that you are loved and can give love. Love is more important than any material things. I was adopted and I have wonderful parents.
Brooke, my adopted daughter is now 12-1/2 (she was 6 months old when we “got” her). Your suggestions would have been most welcome back then. This is a terrific post and I’m sure that a lot of potential adoptive parents will appreciate your input. BTW — I couldn’t possibly love my daughter any more — God had her in mind for our family. She blesses my day every single minut
Director at Birth Mom Missions Thank you so much Nancy! What you said about your daughter, is exactly what I hope to hear form my child’s parent’s some day. Thank you! I love adoption because of people like you. I know what you mean, some things you just feel God’s hand in it, and it was so clear to me she was meant for her family. It’s so cool how children can bless us every minute of the day just by being alive. I feel like my daughter blesses me everyday too, even though I can’t see her.
Her name is Ann too! I hope I get to talk to her someday soon. Her daughter is like the other side to my story too! Hope someone reads and decides against an abortion today...
Ann and Juda Mye
Late one evening in 1956, a 22-year-old woman walked home alone
in the dark from a movie theater – but, as she tells her story, she
would not make it to the house before eight young men would brutally
beat and rape her in the streets.
The woman, Ann, recalled the horrifying sexual assault in a video about her experience in St. Louis, Mo. This is her story:
"I
walked home which was about eight blocks, and when I got close to home
there was a used car lot, and there were eight men in there," she said.
"They grabbed me and attacked me. And I made it home after they
attacked me and beat me up and did a few other things."
A child conceived in rape
Already shaken
by the traumatic sexual assault, Ann made a shocking discovery when she
went to stay with her parents in Jackson, Miss.
"At that time, I didn't know I was pregnant," she said. "Three months later, I found out I was, and my parents didn't want me to have the baby, let alone keep it."
Her mother insisted that she have an abortion, Ann said. But she adamantly refused.
"I didn't believe in destroying her, so I had her," she said in the video. "And they forced me to give her up."
Now that little baby, Juda Myers, is grown and shares her inspirational story of life.
"She knew I was a human," Myers told WND. "She said she couldn't kill a kitten or a puppy, much less a human baby."
A Methodist minister and a Catholic priest were instrumental in
helping Ann follow through with her plan to deliver the baby. The
priest took Ann to a Catholic charity in Shreveport, La., where Myers
was born.
"She gave me up for adoption," Myers said. "She didn't want to do that, but under the circumstances she had to."
When Ann was recuperating in the home following childbirth, an elderly lady brought the new baby to see her. Ann held the baby often, but when Myers was only 3 months old, she was adopted by another family.
Ann was given a photograph, and it remained her only memory of her baby for 48 years.
A tearful reunion
Myers' new parents
were open about the adoption and told the little girl she was adopted at a very young age.
"My adoptive parents always told me that I was very special
because I had two sets of parents," she said. "They insisted on letting
me know that I was loved. I did wonder why I was given up."
In 2005, almost 49 years later, Myers said she contacted an agency to help her find her birth mother.
"I wanted to be able to research her address and go there to
thank her for giving me life," Myers said. "I wanted to be able to get
those words out before she'd say, 'I don't want to have anything to do
with you. Leave me alone.'
"All I wanted in life was to thank this woman for giving birth to me."
But Ann called Myers in December and left a voicemail message before Myers could acquire the address.
She said, "Hi, this is Ann, and I'm interested in what you have
to say. I'm sorry I missed you. … If you're my long-lost daughter, God
bless you. If you're not, give me a call anyway. I'd love to know what
you want. God bless you, too."
Myers immediately called Ann, but Ann could not hear her because a group was Christmas caroling in the background.
"I asked, 'Is this Ann?'" Myers recalled. "She said, 'Honey, you are going to have to speak up. I can't hear you.'"
"I shouted, 'As far as I know, I'm your daughter!'"
Ann broke into tears.
"While I was saying this, the choir was in the background singing 'Gloria,'" Myers said with a chuckle.
She arranged to fly to her birth mother's nursing home, but she
was apprehensive about the reunion. Would Myers' features remind Ann of
her attackers on that horrific night?
"I have bright blue eyes,
and I was so afraid that my mother probably would have had brown eyes,"
she said. "I thought I might look like one of the rapists, and I didn't
want to meet her looking like him."
But when Myers approached the reception desk, she heard, "Juda?"
"I turned around, and I saw the brightest blue eyes," she
recalled. "It was just amazing to be able to see eyes that resembled
mine. It was a surreal moment."
Ann sat in her wheelchair, clutching the photo of her little baby.
"She was holding that picture in her hands after 48 years," Myers said. "She had never let it go."
Message of forgiveness and life
After
speaking with her birth mother for more than an hour, Myers asked Ann
about the circumstances of her conception. Ann explained that she had
been raped by eight young men one night outside of a used car lot in
St. Louis when she walked home from the movie.
"I was on my knees, and I was crying," Myers said. "I put my head in her lap and cried."
But Ann's reaction to her daughter's weeping astonished Myers.
"She just patted me and said, 'Honey, stop crying. I've forgiven those men."
She continued, "Look what God has done. He's brought you back to me. God is faithful."
When Myers returned home, she wrote a song for her mother and recorded it on a CD. She titled it "God Is Faithful."
"I went back, and I gave her that song as a gift," Myers said. "As she listened to the song, she just stared at me.
"In my entire life, I have never felt that kind of love. It was the most incredible moment."
Myers said her mother is her "hero" for forgiving her eight attackers and allowing her baby to live.
Because
of Ann's decision to save the life of one baby 53 years ago, five
people are alive today – including Myer's one-week-old grandbaby. She
now has two sons and two grandsons.
Myers' son, Jason, daughter-in-law, Veronica, and new grandbaby, Jackson (photo: Juda Myers)
"The main thrust of the book is how to forgive any offense, because my mom forgave," she said. "I forgave."
Now, Myers shares that message, seeking to inspire people wherever she goes. She has been to South Africa and is planning a trip to orphanages in India to share her music and testimony of God's love.
She has accepted an invitation from Harvard Right to Life to speak at Harvard University
on Oct. 20. Myers also plans to accompany Molly White, founder and
director of Women for Life International, to the United Nation's
Commission on the Status of Women's Conference.
Conceived in rape and dedicated to sharing her story of life and
forgiveness, Myers urges women to choose life instead of abortion.
She told WND she has an important message for women who experience unplanned pregnancies
"I have
been doing Matching Mondays for many months now.More people
featuring waiting children means more people will be
seeingwaiting children and hopefully more hearts will be changed,
minds will be enlightened and more matches will be made. This is
something relatively easy that you can do to support adoption.
I hope you will join me in this effort!
I encourage YOU to become an advocate of
waiting children by looking through your own states waiting
children websites and choose one or two each Monday to feature on
your blog.
My three main goals in featuring waiting children was to...
Give these children and all waiting children more positive exposure.
Help change hearts and minds by allowing people to see who is really waiting for a family...break stereotypes.
Help couples and children come together.
I have been thinking of what else can be
done with Matching Mondays to help in these three goals move
forward. After pondering on this topic, I decided that I need to
recruit people to feature waiting children on their own blogs. It
seems that in many cases it is a little easier to adopt children
waiting in your own state."
I think I made some good picks!
———————————————————————————————————————————————–
Littlejohn About Littlejohn
Littlejohn is described as very
active, talkative, and has a "wild imagination." Littlejohn
likes playing basketball, video games, and football. He also enjoys
art and swimming. Littlejohn's favorite possessions are his Lego's.. Littlejohn
is age appropriate in both height and weight and he is able to
complete personal hygiene tasks without assistance. Things that
make Littlejohn happy is having a good relationship with his
sister, swimming, and going on field trips. Littlejohn has a good
appetite and enjoys a variety of foods. Littlejohn needs a family who can
provide him love, structure, and routine. He will do well with
a family who loves him dearly and can meet his need. Littlejohn is
tribal and ICWA applies to the case, but there has been a good cause
hearing so that all families can be considered.
Mona
Mona is an 18-year-old girl from Texas who is hoping to be adopted.
Mona
is an adventurous teen who loves to have fun. She is spontaneous
and easy to get along with. She has a great sense of humor and tends to
be sarcastic at times. Mona loves to be on the go and involved in
different activities. A very social teen, Mona has many friends.
She also likes to keep up with the hottest trends in fashion and
music. She loves her iPod and always has it with her. Mona will eat
just about anything but really likes
spaghetti, jambalaya and chicken. Mona is a very encouraging teen.
She loves to dance, draw and play sports. She is a great role model to
younger children and just loves to have fun. Mona is currently
working on improving her grades in school and becoming more
organized. Mona and Joe are very bonded and get
along great with each other. They think about each other in every
decision they make and spend a lot of time together. Mona and Joe
really want to be adopted! Mona is an adventurous teen who loves to
have fun. She is spontaneous and easy to get along with. She has
a great sense of humor and tends to be sarcastic at times. Mona loves
to be on the go and involved in different activities. Joe is very
outgoing and excels in athletics. He plays football, basketball
and runs track for his school. He loves being outdoors and trying new
things. He also is a great artist. Visit us at the San Antonio Heart Gallery.Visit us at the TARE Gallery. Mona wants a family who likes to
spend time together and is active. She wants an adventurous family
who likes to be out of the house and go different places. Mona is
okay with having other children in the home as long as she can have
her own room. She needs a family who will be supportive of her in
the decisions she makes and will guide her through her future. Mona
has two brothers, one that is a part of this adoption and the other
with whom she would like to remain in contact with. SiblingsJoe (16)
Prince
Prince is a 1-year-old boy from Texas who is hoping to be adopted.
Prince is
an easy-going baby who enjoys affection. He often smiles and enjoys
engaging in play with adults and with other children. Prince is
diagnosed with Sensory Integration Issues. He was evaluated by
the Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) and they felt he became
overstimulated by the outdoors. It is felt that he will overcome
these issues through therapy.
Fadia,
Prince, and David have a close relationship. They enjoy being in each
other's company and playing together. Fadia is a very talkative and
energetic youth who is fun to be around. David is a sweet,
affectionate child who can be shy at first. Prince is an easy-going
baby who enjoys affection. They always warmly greet one another and
are inseparable. They have their occasional conflicts, but make no
mistake, they love and care for one another. Visit us at the TARE Gallery.
Prince
needs to be placed with a family who can provide him with love and
nurturance and help promote his deveoplmental growth. It is
important that his family be educated about the challenges that he
may face later in life.
Sharday
Sharday is a 14-year-old girl from Texas who is hoping to be adopted. Sharday is very quiet and shy;
however, once she becomes comfortable with a person she can be very
open and will talk forever. Sharday enjoys writing and being on the
computer, she also enjoys playing basketball. She loves to draw and
be engaged in activities with others. She will share, but only when
she decides. Sharday is very protective of herself, space, and
belongings. She can have episodes when she gets sad. Sharday does
fairly well in her classes, but can excel with encouragement and
extra support. She struggles a little bit in reading. Sharday
receives extra help both at school and in her foster home. Sharday's
caseworker reports she is a well adjusted youth, that will tell you
how she feels and knows how to express her feelings positively.
Sharday is mindful of her actions and will accept responsiblity to
correct them. Sharday's foster mother says she is doing very well.
She helps others and will volunteer to do more if someone else is
unable to do it. Foster mother adds that Sharday is a good listener
and likes to ask a lot of questions because she is very curious. Visit me at the TARE Gallery. Sharday is a very loving girl who
is seeking stability in her life. She needs a family that is very
loving, caring and sensitive to her emotions. She needs a family
that is willing to work with her and spend quality time with her.
Littlejohn
is age appropriate in both height and weight and he is able to
complete personal hygiene tasks without assistance. Things that
make Littlejohn happy is having a good relationship with his
sister, swimming, and going on field trips. Littlejohn has a good
appetite and enjoys a variety of foods.
