Can you look at this picture and NOT SMILE? Just curious.... That's my baby girl. She is 5 now, I miss her so (I haven't seen her since the first month, y'all know the story, it's not sad) I promised I would have it BIG before she got to age 8. So I have to share at least the main link to my mission that I dedicated to her. I mean there is more info. I wrote the story so many times. The mission does A LOT over last 5 years. We really are unique and need to step it up ( I do regarding promotion) People need to know this service is out there. I made it cause there was nothing like it for me after placing her. If you ever have time or want to know more I can show you how this fits into all the principles I stand by, it's not obvious what we do, it's different than you would expect. As usual! That's Ann Elaine in the picture, She lived even though I thought I wanted to kill her. I almost gave in to temptation. But I simply had forgotten that I was a woman and could do this. I saw up close the states maneuvers on young women to make them feel worthless, helpless, and give them no rights to even hold their baby... When it was certainly our right. So it's a big part of society, another part that needs a revolution is all and we are 20% of the way through. So check it out sometime if you can. Or ask. WE help adoptive families, we end welfare, we get rid of nonprofits as the main goal, we don't use any donate funds to pay anyone. EVERYHTING goes to the pregnant women and children. She is safe and happy and that's what counts, but the system screwed her and me and her family and at least it isn't happening to other women and children now that we are here. It's just hard to cover the whole us with just 2 people! Ok that's my spiel. Random! CAN YOU NOT SMILE? A link to one page is http://causes.com/birthmommissions http://birthmommission.comhttp://facebook.com/birthmommissions
We are very fortunate here to see what most birth moms may never see. Many of you may have accomplished this ( I know) but we don't hear about it that often. One of us "recovered" and gone on to raise a family and fall in love. For me I thought "impossible" I just don't see how (I have some attachment issues though, don't go by my progress..)
For those of us that are struggling with finding out how we can make the best of our life with what we have now, Brit's new baby and might inspire us all! She found her family now, isn't that what we all want in the end... just to be loved and be able to give love? Well, I for one am very excited to see her "tearing up" those statistics on us! (which may be true ones for most bmoms, but we must celebrate when one of us beats it! It is possible to have another child and a life, after adoption! Who knew?) You go Britney! You are in our prayers (the little guy is too!) -brooke
That was too long for an update, so I had to make it into a post.. Oh well, not a problem.... :)
You will find so much conflicting evidence on the effects of adoption and also hear people telling you how it is best to go through the adoption process, what to watch for, what to think about, how to treat your own baby after birth, etc... The list is long, and the internet is filled with "adoption advice counselors" and whatnot for whoever. Some are objective (there must be one) but many are bias and "propaganda" laced ,(as many of you call it) I don't disagree with that. I just notice it is much the same for the other side which tells you All adoptions end in turmoil and ruin for everyone, never to recover. I'm not saying I don't agree that that happens either.
But one thing I have come to realize after becoming a BIRTH mother is that I actually hate "over generalizations" Mainly because I am usually the one left out of the group "generalized" about. But I'm sure I overgeneralize just as much too. It is hard to stop. Tell me next time you catch me, because one thing that matters the most to me is that us "birth" mothers, women, are always respected and treated as individuals! All of us are VERY unique in their own way. (You can tell that just by reading some of our discussions on this page) very different are we... but we have one thing in common that makes us put up with each other no after what. I hope you know if you ever need anything, I will be here (and try to do my best) for you. I have a special place in my heart for you, that can't be filled. It will always remain open as a will never forget the women who experienced the same thing as me. No matter who "forgets" us, we all are never forgotten completely. Even if you don't' believe in God, He believes in you, so never give up! OK, I know I can get very corny, I'll stop now.
Oh, and by pointing out the differences in all of us we someday might really stop the adoption agencies from over-generalizing all of us to society, the AP's, and their donors. I'm just saying, there is ALWAYS one exception to the rule, and I feel many authors and researches leave that out of their conclusions based on pure numbers. Not all adoptions are good and not all are bad. And there is so much we can do to change the ratio as well. So just remember, even if your like me and your whole adoption turned out to be a big shame and you were lied to. It doesn't mean all mothers are the same way. Let's learn form them and take some hope in the fact that we still have a chance at becoming who we once were before and who we always wanted to be. I promised my daughter I wouldn't be bitter or hurting when she came to see me one day. I promised her and myself that I would be someone she could be proud to call her real mother. It is hard on your spirit though, without your child. No one expects you to move on really, or at least they wouldn't blame you if you never really did...
"No one understands in the world how much I loved her, it was different" I find myself saying sometimes. Then I remember all of you I have "met" via the internet and I know I am not alone. Just a thought, but next time you are crying alone in your room missing them, just say a little prayer for another birthmom you know (or don't even know) just try it. Because prayers work, and if you pray for someone I guarantee God will make sure you receive a few prayers too. And if I almost lost ya with that being preachy stuff, just try it few ra hoot, or call it sending positive energy from you and back to you.
My daughter and I had "our song" she loved the sound of it so! It was "I hope you dance" and I played it everyday for her that month. In it, is this one line, "don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter, when you come close to selling out reconsider, give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance..."
And that is what I want her to do. It was selfish what people did to many of us; meaning the agencies or others. But don't ever ever ever let them win or even see you down! Just keep the hope alive, and in time it will all come together, and most likely in the best way it was meant be for us.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)
hope you dont mind me using Brit!
Me, back when I used to have fun sometimes...
You know we always want to hear everyone's story. It is frustrating when they are all over the place and in comments and such. Just because I'd like to have them all to look at. For some reason not many want to post there story on their profile at hermission.com, so if you want to stay on the facebook page, I opened up the discussion tab again (I had closed it because we already had enough discussions going on to handle! But if we could simply have each of you "start a new comment" then write your experiences (any of them) then that would be grat. Then update it with more if you want to later as you remember. Hope that works! Because it is amazing to see the page "insights" from my view, on what topics are popular and so on.
The 2 hour talk show and open call in line "Birht Mom's Live" every night was a bit too hard to keep up with (I can talk that's for sure, but not that much) So I am hoping to do every other day at 10 pm. Some of you have asked for advicce or questions about handeling the transition after placement day. Feel free to call in wiht those questions to, because I guarantee you are not the only one out there thinking of them! http://blogtalkradio/birthmoms and post ur blog on birthmomblogs.com ASAP.
"Remembering Birth Mother's Day" Event is coming up soon, and I want to get a chance to explain this year more about why we even recognize it at all. So I hope you will stick around to read that in a few days. (we are starting local group support meetups and are looking for leaders to volunteer. We have a few materials for you to start with and it will be great for those around you in your state.
Together we can make it
One of the main reasons I formed this mission was because I didn't see many places where ALL Birth Mother's had a voice. It was wither your all for it or all against. I want reform and respect for women...whatever term you call em! My blog was originally called, The invisible woman, cause thats how I felt....
One goal of Birth Mom Missions is to increase media awareness of Birth Mother's day (which has been the day before mother's day every year since 1990)
Remember....if you are adopted, your Birth Mother Loves You!
(options to birthmom: lifemom, firstmom, tummymom, etc...In actuality most birth moms of adoption don't really care what they are called by the adoptive family and others....as long as they are called.)
“So on Birthmother’s Day I find myself in the grocery store buying a dozen yellow roses for myself, just as I will do again this year. And I will write to me a card that says, “A good mother does what is best for her children ... you are a good mother.” And I will put them on the table and I will glance at them throughout the day. I may even have the courage to breathe in their sweet scent. Their presence in my house, and on my table, will be a reminder that sometimes being a good mother is something I have to do alone. Without thank you’s or giggles of joy, when there are no smiles of pride to confirm, when there are no handmade cards to open carefully, when there are no gifts to exclaim surprise over, when there are no party hats or balloons to throw out, when there is no cake to cover, when there are no laps or little arms to embrace ... when it is just simply a dozen yellow roses sitting atop my kitchen table seemingly whispering all day long; I remember the reason I am a good mother.
Happy Birthmother’s Day to all my yellow rose girls who will be remembering the same thing as I this coming Saturday!
Explanation of Birthmother’s day:
Birthmother’s day is a day to celebrate and honor our birthmotherhood. Its a day to reflect on the choice we made and the life we gave. Its a day to recognize, that we are good mothers who made the ultimate sacrifice for our children. History on Birthmother’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day is celebrated the Saturday before Mother’s Day. It originated in 1990 by a group of birthmothers in Seattle, Washington. Most birthmothers will agree that Mother’s Day is a very painful holiday and these women wanted to create something that would honor their birthmotherhood.
Celebrating Birthmom’s Day:
Birthmother’s Day unites birthmoms. A lot of agencies and organizations are hosting birthmother’s day events and it has become more recognized by the adoption community as a day of remembrance for birthmothers. Check with agencies, support groups, and adoption related organizations in your area to see if they might be hosting a Birthmom’s Day event. If not, then celebrate on your own. Treat yourself to a special dinner or buy yourself a rose - something to celebrate your birthmotherhood!!
Before I became a birth mom I had no idea there was such a thing. Then when mother's day rolled around last year, just a month after placement day, it was nice to find there was a holiday for us women who didn't really fit into the "mother's day" category to be remembered. We hope next year to have enough funds in the nonprofit to celebrate in a much bigger way and affect more women (pre and post adoption) I wish for all adoptee's to know how much they are truly loved by us. I will never stop loving my daughter. When she is old enough and the parents tell her about me, I want her to be able to see that I never stopped loving her from the moment I said goodbye, Ask us for any advice on gift selections or wording: info@birthmommissions.com
We would appreciate if you would help us spread the word by joining on of our many social networks, donating, or telling someone about http://birthbommissions.com, or becoming a fan of our facebook page http://www.facebook.com/pages/BirthMomMissions
This birthmom deal is not at all like I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my decision! I know she was meant to be adopted into her family. I am still so amazed at how clear that was. It's just that post-adoption is nothing at all like I thought, not even close. Not worse, not better, just different. I guess all I had to go on was my own imagination at the time! Come to think of it, I don't know how I pictured it, maybe I didn't..Or maybe God was helping me see the goodness and love in it, and I just forget now at times. When I saw her and her family together in person or in pictures, it just made me so happy. It always has, I just don't get to see as many pics as before.
It just seemed much more "do-able" then. It still is, it's just that every emotion that I think should be next, is always the total opposite in reality. Usually my body starts aching when I am trying to avoid an emotion, and it isn't until my body gives out that I will acknowledge the pain. I'm just all over the place with my feelings. It's an overall icky feeling when time goes by and the memory of someone you can see slowly drifting away. It's like you know that's supposed to happen and it is how anyone grieves a loss and gets better over time, but I want to fight it inside with all my heart too! Is that self-destructive behavior then? Cause I don't want to follow the steps anymore in my grief processing pamphlet. I want to just call it a day and set up base at #6 for a while. If I were her (my daughter), I don't think I would want...yeah I'm sure I wouldn't want, to be forgotten in the least bit. Even if she resented me for the adoption, I would like her to know I never went a second without thinking about her. But it's not about holding onto it because I feel guilty and think it will hurt her to move on (that is the common response I get from people) It's more selfish than that. Instead I can't (or it feels I can't) let go because I think it will hurt ME to do so. If it's biological, then why try process anything, it's ingrained in you. Maybe it is inevitable though, the mind just will forget... and that just, well, sucks. That's my feeling about the dang grief processing model!
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. - C.S. Lewis
I don't lie the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief (that is just not enough steps 4 me) Looking at any grief processing theory, even with 10 steps, doesn't make you thrilled for the future...
I found this articel and website interesting: http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/adoption4.html And this little quote proves my beliefs on attachement may be true:
"Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn't begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the primal wound'." So writes Nancy Verrier in her book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child (1993).
But what a fetus most needs--from the earliest moments after conception--is to feel a sense of connection with its mother, a feeling from her that he or she is loved, but more than just loved, welcomed--if not on the practical, physical level of knowing for sure that she will ultimately parent the child, then on the more spiritual realm of recognizing it to be a child of God, an innocent being that needs nurturance in this moment.
A woman with a crisis pregnancy may not feel entitled to bond with her baby. She may believe--like society in general tends to believe, especially if she is even considering adoption for her child--that it is her "job" not to do what is usually the natural thing, which is to embrace that baby on some level. I think it's critical that a woman in this circumstance be supported and guided in following her instinct to connect with her baby, with the crucial--and perhaps liberating--understanding that the unknown future of their relationship together need not--and should not!--dictate that she not connect with the baby now.
I dream of a big happy house with lots of smiles and laughs and good food and music on the radio, and oh how I wish that for you...will you have that? I don't know right now what will await you, or me, after you arrive into this world... But whatever home you have later, I want your home now to be secure. As I rub my belly I wonder what you feel in there, do you feel my love for you? Do you feel my fear, too? You probably do, but feel my love more, okay? Feel my love...
Hand in hand with this sense of not being entitled to claim the baby, there is sometimes the feeling of shame on the part of a woman facing a crisis pregnancy, that she's made this big "mistake", perhaps feels that she's letting lots of people down--her parents, her boyfriend, etc.--and may not even feel worthy of claiming the baby inside her. The feeling may be that she'll "save" the baby by staying detached from it: "I'm not going to screw up your life, too."
A woman having these types of feelings can hopefully be led to an understanding that regardless of how she views herself--or how anyone else "on the outside" may view her--and regardless of her difficult circumstances, the most important thing for her baby is to feel her very real, claiming presence. She needs to know that she is everything to her baby, if only for this short time in her womb.
Here is a summary on grief processing theories over the years:
Grief is a Natural process. Everyone has griefs, both large and small:
A large grief might be the loss of a loved one grief, a rape grief, incest grief, or loosing a limb grief.
A small grief might be the canceling of an important event like the next bif family wedding, or cutting yourself on broken glass during dishes.
the biblical phrase "Grieve Not" - it’s real, but really says, "Grieve with hope".
The first Study (I think) on grief was by Dr. Erich Lindeman, Harvard College, Scholarly paper "Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief" published in the American Journal of Psychiatry in the 1960’s. The grieving person has to "extricate himself from the bondage to the deceased and find new patternsof rewarding interaction." The study found differences between 'normal grief' and 'morbid grief':
Normal grief achieves the separation.
Morbid grief is self-perpetuating and never ending.
Dr. Lindeman then described 5 things he saw in acute grief. These are now known as the "Five Stages of Grief" and are relatively well known in the counseling realm; at least my mother the pastor has talked about them since she was in seminary as something everyone knew or should know. So: here goes. The 5 Stages of Grief: (traditional)
Somatic Distress: Physical pain, usually in your heart or forehead. (Note: I haven’t ever grieved by finding my big toe hurt a lot. That’s another problem, relating to the pickle jar you were just holding)
Preoccupation with the image of the deceased.
Guilt
Anger
Loss of patterns of conduct
People don’t always move between them in order; Everyone doesn’t have each stage in an equal amount;, People can be in more than one stage at once.
There’s some new thinking on this subject. (My most plausible) Many books now refer to there being 10 stages. The Ten Stages of Grief (developed over last 10 years)
Ten Stages of Grief
1. SHOCK: Anesthetized against the overwhelming loss. Not comprehending and not able to face the full magnitude of it.
2 EMOTIONAL RELEASE: Beginning to realize how dreadful the loss is. Venting or releasing these feelings is better than trying to repress them.
3. 3 DEPRESSION, LONELINESS AND UTTER ISOLATION: Feeling of “No help for me.” Down in the depths of despair. Should know this is a NORMAL feeling. Aided by EXPRESSED CONCERN.
4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS: “Ill” with symptoms related to the loss. Best help is to understand the grief process
5. PANIC: Convinced “something is wrong with me” as a person, can concentrate on little else. May fear losing the mind.
6. GUILT FEELINGS: May recall own past neglect, mistreatment, or wrong to the deceased. Wrongs may be imaginary or exaggerated. But they may be REAL wrongs with REAL guilt. Confession and unburdening of real guilt gives best relief. “Forgiveness” of real wrongs, as if they were imaginary, is no adequate solution.
7. HOSTILITY: Feeling better leads to expressing self more actively. Hostile expressions toward those who “caused” the loss are common. Such hostility is normal but not to be encouraged.
8. INABILITY TO RENEW NORMAL ACTIVITIES: Cannot get back to “business as usual.” Must bear loss alone, since others are back to normal activities. Need encouragement to face new realities, not to be sheltered from them.
9. GRADUAL OVERCOMING OF GRIEF: Emotional balance returns little by little, like healing of a physical would. Rate varies with individuals.
10. READJUSTMENT TO THE NEW REALITIES: Not “old self again,” because there is a new situation. Stronger, deeper, better for having faced and overcome the disaster.
I lived with 31 birth mom's ages 13-45, so I got a pretty good feel of some different perspectives from them. Hope it helps!
I wrote this on my Adoption Network Group on Linkedin. The group seems to learn a lot from each other. You can join if you want, just click the link! It is also on Birth Mom Missions, of course.
I know a lot of time and thought goes into most adoptive parent's profile. Here are some things I looked for when choosing a family, and some things I didn't look for too. I looked for photos and content that showed an active outdoor lifestyle. Showing how you would take them snow skiing, to the beach, to the lake, to historical monuments, etc...All the things we birth mothers can't give them and want them to have.
One of the main reasons that a lot of girls. including me, went through with an adoption, was because we wanted our child to have a mother and father. So I'd suggest somehow showing that your relationship is sturdy and will last
Big thing for me. The other kids! How many cousins, relatives, close friends have young children. I want her to grow up with playmates and peers and have FUN. So cute shots of your niece and nephew playing are a plus. don't overkill on the pics with you surrounded by kids though. It's too obvious, and looks like your kinda weird....jk! Grandma and Grandpa are a plus... (but not a requirement)
I wanted a strong Christian family, that really followed God and worked daily to know Him more. That's hard to convey in pics and words...but some do it very well.
I am not suggesting anyone lie, it's best to be honest on everything. You don't have to be the CEO of some huge company for us to think your financially secure...(almost anything was more security than I could offer at the moment) Sometimes the profiles look too much like a job application or recommendation letter.. All of the girls (I mean, huge pregnant girls) shared profiles with each other and when they decide on one they would pass it around the room, half bragging over their choice and half scared they missed something and picked the wrong one. I had my roommate go thru it a dozen times for me, just in case I mssed some huge warning flag .(like something in the background that would give them away..haha) We ruminated over those profiles for days, it was probably the first time any of us ever experienced what it was like to be a mom, and make decisions so crucial toyour child's future! What if? What if ? I had God answering me quite a bit then though! But after the decision is finally made, for good, on a couple, I have never seen anyone change their mind. In a way this is when the process begins where the birth mom slowly falls in love with the family of her choice (maybe because we know we have to or maybe it just comes natural. I'm leaning on the natural side, because (speaking for myself) I wasn't thinking all that deep then! I was just wondering what my body was going to do next, and "is that normal?" haha
My "counselor" case worker asked me if I could pick five things very detailed what would they be. So I said mainly just for fun because I knew no one would have EVERYTHING I wanted for her. But the next day, what do ya know? She handed me "the profile" "My wishlist" of the perfect family was: 1. They had to be from Texas and live in Texas and love Texas (simple request,lol) That is just important to me.. I want her to grow up with lakes and land and friendly people all around her! 2. I said I wanted a sports family, football especially. I wanted a dad that went to a Texas college and after college watched almost every football game. (is a UT grad Longhorn for life, close enough!) I wanted him to be tall and strong and very protective. (This was all what I just came up with for fun when she asked, I'm not really this shallow. It is just amazing that the family was what I described jokingly the day before. I even said 3. I'd prefer a blonde mom (cause I am blonde? Maybe a weird way of "kinda" like me. Then when we met after she is all grown up, I wouldn't seem like such a foreign figure to her..yeah I thought that out a little too much. There is always hair dye) 4. I said a big backyard. there's was huge! 5. I wanted a Christian family (that was the main #1 factor a profile had to have before I would even consider it. That is just me though. Most of the other girls did not care one bit about their religion, and "really a Christian" who walk with god daily. 6. I slipped in how I'd like if they have boat on the lake, and were naturally athletic in their genes (cause she will be) and yep they actually had that one too. All of these things were shown in their profile, that is why I was truly shocked. They picked these out as important, if they put in on these pages...we think alike too! Ok, that was freaky and rare...but point is, there is a perfect fit for everyone, and it will happen!
I fell in love with my daughter's parents as soon as I saw their profile. But it was when I met the mother a few days later, that it truly sealed the deal. It was like I had known her all my life. We taped the adoption day (all 4 hours of it) and the mother I chose and I, had the exact same movements and cues. I mean we would both turn our head the same way at the time in response to something we heard...like that. It was cool too watch. I wanted to tell them that day, but everyone suggested I read some more profiles first and sleep on it. So I did...but when you know, you just know. God was all over our adoption, I guess no one saw it from my point of view though. I knew what I was doing and I knew what God was doing through me. I haven't ever been sure of myself or able to make decisions.. it was SO Not Me in charge at all. For the first time I understood, I felt it, what God's ultimate sovereignty really means. Nothing is done by mistake, it is ALL in His plan. God is God and he authors all. My rape brought much suffering, but He planned that to show me this new view of him. (And to complete a family, save my life, let me love this way, etc etc) Before all of this, I thought evil happens and then God sees it and then uses it for good..I was totally short changing God and bringing him down to my human level so I could understand. We can't understand and that is what makes his gift of salvation so much sweeter. And isn't it easier to live when you know whatever bad happens, God put it there for a reason (that is ALWAYS for your ultimate good) I am so preachy today. Geez.. Sorry. What I was trying to get to was.....Don't sweat the profiles or the waiting period, enjoy it, because only God can make it happen. In my experience, it isn't until you give up, that God starts making things happen.
The online parent profile blogs, which I have seen lately, are a wonderful way to put it all in order! I love them! Our adoption was no where near that open. I thought an "open" adoption meant you get letters. Now I know. The agency even keeps the parent's last names secret and so I won't know my daughter's middle or last name until -? So when I later saw couples posting there entire lives online for birth moms to view, I was shocked! The agencies can get in the way, that is for sure.
Another bonus is to have the husband describe the wife's personality and the wife describe the husband. It allows you to say so much more. Describe your partner's personality, but don't forget to put something romantic in too! (what made you fall for her, or what is your favorite thing about you wife, etc...) The romantic stuff is cute and needed in any relationship, just don't go overboard with it. A little genuine love will go along way when a birth mother sees it between you both. I think most of us b moms would rather not our child go through a divorce as well as an adoption at birth.
Try tomake fun of each other in your profile. I liked the ones with a sense of humor. Like ur adoptive mom (the Hopeful AP then) was so excited/nervous/happy all at once. She was just real. for instance the both put there favorite tv shows, and maatter how random of a show it would have been, I know they would be honest. There was an equal mix of humor and seriousness. Like I didnt want the perfect family" if there is such a thing...I wanted the family most like me and I am... well random.
Oh a gift (after the birth mom chooses you) is a nice gesture! I mean a card or some cookies. My AP's gave me these comfy pajamas, and I wear them a lot now and feel closer to her(my daughter) for some reason. I got flowers in the delivery room! I loved that. They were the only ones I got and they came at the perfect time! Don't fall for the old line, " I wanted to get her a card, but then I thought it might bring up old memories" That is BS, like we need a card to conjure up a memory, my daughter is always with me. And we don't get mad or offended very easily anyways. I found this out through research and through personal experience. Befor ewe were birth moms, many of us had a common personality aready, which allows one to do such a thing.
These are some of the responses (names changed for privacy) It seemed to help a few, so maybe it can help more parents struggling with these silly profiles. It’s too much pressure to put all of yourself in one little flip book, if you ask me. But it’s also difficult to choose a future for your child based off of that to. That is why I say, if your going to try adoption, you must have a ton of faith and hope! I have no clue, but i imagine the waiting would be hardest part. You have to just close your eyes, pray and jump in. We need to work out a better system though for getting to know the parents. My solution for everything these days is to videotape instead! But not sure how that would go over with the agencies.
I could go on forever with more on this subject. At least I learned a lot out of the time spent with 30 hormonal and hungry woman in the same space! Our room turned into the "counseling" room somehow. And that is where you learn EVERYTHING about someone. See that's why I feel so strongly that birth moms need a birth mom counselor thru the process, there are just things you can't ask or can't say to anyone but another birth mother. This also helps the AP's too, because the bm's decision is well thought out with the other birth mom (all scenarios have been tried out) and she is sure you are the parents for her child. Thus we avoid the "I changed my mind, oops" reaction after you have already fallen in love. (and those are rare horror stories, promise) Actually only .01% of adoptions are contested by the birth mom later. So the Lifetime Channel needs to come up with a different storyline!
yes, it is a help. I am struggling to complete our profile at this time. I’m a graphic designer by day and therefore am wanting our profile to be PERFECT and I know I’m making myself crazy over it. We are just normal people who want a family. I find it difficult to “sell” ourselves. This is helpful.
Just be who you are. Don’t be what your not. Show your heart and show you care. Show that you are loved and can give love. Love is more important than any material things. I was adopted and I have wonderful parents.
Brooke, my adopted daughter is now 12-1/2 (she was 6 months old when we “got” her). Your suggestions would have been most welcome back then. This is a terrific post and I’m sure that a lot of potential adoptive parents will appreciate your input. BTW — I couldn’t possibly love my daughter any more — God had her in mind for our family. She blesses my day every single minut
Director at Birth Mom Missions Thank you so much Nancy! What you said about your daughter, is exactly what I hope to hear form my child’s parent’s some day. Thank you! I love adoption because of people like you. I know what you mean, some things you just feel God’s hand in it, and it was so clear to me she was meant for her family. It’s so cool how children can bless us every minute of the day just by being alive. I feel like my daughter blesses me everyday too, even though I can’t see her.
