Post - Adoption Grief

Not all of this research I agree with, these are just some of the studies done on birth mother's grief (there are more but not many) Don't let one study detour you in any way from choosing or not choosing adoption. Ask other birth moms and get several opinions before you decide. There are many ways (I believe) to avoid some of the emotional pain others have experienced in the past (not avoid, but more limit the conditions that may bring on additional turmoil just not needed) Disenfranchised grief...I had heard of it before in Psych class, but never did I really get it until I became a birth mom. 

This disenfranchised grief is when the grief is connected with a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported. In many cases of disenfranchised grief, the relationship is not recognised, the loss is not recognised or the griever is not recognised. The loss of a child through adoption is usually a loss which cannot be openly acknowledged, which is why mothers often suffer in silence...people who have experienced any type of loss often feel anger, guilt, sadness, depression, hopelessness and numbness and that in cases of disenfranchised grief, these feelings can persist for a very long time.  The lack of recognition of their grief often results in them holding on to it more tenaciously than they might otherwise have done.

If I had to describe adoption in one word, I would say it's "Bittersweet" a  joy tinged with sadness.  That's the way it seems to me. It is the happiest and the saddest thing many will experience in life. It is not explainable with words, but on our main website we try.  Both parties experience both emotions (plus a few more) it is not just one side happy and other sad. There are moments of joy that only a mother about to let go of the best gift she has ever been given, can experience. (I'm not saying extended amounts, but there are minutes) The woman has basically put all of herself into the hands of another family. It's as if they are adopting her too (her heart at least)  She truly must trust them completely with her life and her child's. Once she gets that decision made, then, I think the joy comes for her in tiny glimpses she pictures, of the child's future. She is so happy to see them happy (in her view looking to the future) Imagining the life her child will get to have. It is hard to admit that the best thing for your child...(ok off topic, and this could go on forever) 

One last thing I want to mention about post-adoption grief is that apparently adoptive mothers have it  too...and the rate of it seems to be growing. In fact a google search for post-adoption depression, brins up all adoptive parents issues.  http://www.adopting.org/pads.html and another article says,

"Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome" (PADS), which is not yet a distinct illness recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. PADS can range from a full-blown episode of severe depression that requires hospitalization or just a simple case of the blues that lasts a month or two. The few scientific studies of PADS indicate that over half of adoptive mothers experience it. For example, in 1999 Harriet McCarthy, manager of the Eastern European Adoption Coalition Parent Education and Preparedness, surveyed 165 mothers who had adopted children from Eastern Europe and found that 65% reported post-adoption depression. Other researchers have determined that you are more likely to experience PADS if you adopt from overseas or if your child has special needs."

That's a disclaimer I would of like on the papers I signed! Geez. I don't know what to think of this. My first thought wasn't so nice, it was "Well hell (excuse me) don't sit around moaning about it, give em back to us! We don't want them with a mom that doesn't 'feel' like a mom or is having trouble dealing with social aspects of adoption" Don't spend time worring just bring em back please!" (My worst nightmare is thinking about her living in a place where she becomes the family's Cinderella. It's just, that I am sure ONE family of the last 30 years, has regretted the decision to adopt? Ya know like a young couple who thought they were ready, but realized they have no clue.... Yet I have never heard of anyone 'giving them back' and I assume that would look so horrible on their part, that no one ever does. I'm saying 1 in a million families" The child in that family is my worst case scenario. In the last moments on our adoption day I said (maybe twice) "Now promise me if you don't like her, that you will give her back" lol (of course they were stunned and I could tell already were in love with her-had been for a long time) I had the best family for her ever, seriously...she is 'set-up' for life.  So after my initial shock and defensiveness, I began to understand how adoptive moms might feel this depression too and it is natural for any woman adjusting to a new child and new experiences. They wonder why women are more depressed than men (the recent study everyone covered last week) They said that woman have every opportunity now, excel in the workplace and still aren't happy?  I say duh, the majority of them are mothers! Men don't have the inate biological response to protect their child more than anything (at least I think, don't they want to provide shelter or something? lol I will get my biology book out that I couldn't sell back, and check myself here.)  As society gets more dangerous, of course women will be affected by that. Depressed or not, 30 more % of men lost jobs this year than women..so something women are doing is also keeping their jobs safe! (so off topic again) I was just going to put one sentence before the documents here....and now I also add a part of one study. This is a biased view from a woman that doesn't like, more HATES adoption...so don't take the context to be something I must believe as well. Adoption was very different 30 years ago. This is in relation to post- adoption support:

Post-adoption and post-adoption "counseling"  The mother may have been told the loss of her child will affect her only briefly around the time of her child's birthday. She may have been advised that "open" adoption makes it all better. Openness is supposed to help the child, because he is not completely cut off from his origins. With an "open" adoption the mother may have some visitation or promises of pictures or letters from the people who adopted. But with an "open" adoption, the mother may be taken by surprise by the intensity of the pain and anguish as time goes by and the adopters - the people whoprofited from her suffering - grow increasingly distant or cut her off completely. She may find it heartbreaking to think of the little things - like brushing teeth or saying prayers - that she cannot share with her child.  Many mothers are unaware of their child's thoughts and feelings about themselves and this unnatural custody arrangement. This is certainly the case when the mother may simply has no contact with her child. But when there is contact, it may be that the child does not want to make his mother - either one of them - feel bad by opening up to them with his true feelings. If her son or daughter does comes to her for help in a situation where abuse does occur, the mother - unable to do anything about it - may be completely traumatized.  Some mothers are "awake" from the start, aware their child may not be "better off" adopted, but forced by economic circumstances to surrender. Other moms may discover much later that their child was badly affected by the traumatic separation from his mother at birth and by being raised in an environment devoid of any true family members. From a mother's perspective, it is horrifying to discover her child felt "unwanted" by her. Post-adoption counseling  Books on "grieving a pet" are plentiful - yet there are almost no books on grieving the loss of one's son, daughter or grandchild to adoption. Few counselors in North America are knowledgeable of the intense delayed suffering "disenfranchised grief" a mother may experience even long after losing her child to adoption
. This makes it difficult to find a good counselor. In addition, counselors may have attended "Infant Adoption Awareness Training" in which some attendees have been told that mothers who have problems following the loss of their child to adoption are "few in number and mentally ill". One can only wonder whether people who are grieving a death or divorce are also too "mentally ill" to be worthy of compassionate counseling.   Note: There is a large market for newborn babies for adoption in America. Adoption "counselors" in North America like to refer to expectant parents as "birthparents" or "birthmothers", while calling the unrelated person hoping to adopt a "parent". The objective of this so-called "respectful adoption language" is to make the acquisition of healthy newborn babies by infertile people or gay people seem "normal". The euphemism "adoption" is used to deflect attention from the reality - this is a transfer of human babies from loving (if naive or pressured) relatives to customers.  The misleading, disrespectful terms "birthmother", "birthfather" and "birthparents" are used on this website for search engine purposes only. The terms "mother", "father", "single parent", " family member" and "natural mother" are accurate, respectful, and nonderogatory terms. 
"Why Birthmother Means Breeder" by Diane Turski

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2007 11 For Records -

The truth always works

Planned Parenthood slipped up.

I'm often told that abortion facilities use
ultrasound to let the abortionist know how far along
the pregnancy is -- it apparently makes a difference
in how the abortion will be performed.

But the images are for staff only -- not the mother
of the child whose life is at risk. So please keep
that in mind.

As a 40 Days for Life prayer vigil was under way, a
young woman walked towards the Planned Parenthood
facility in Sarasota, Florida with two friends. She
accepted some information about abortion from a
sidewalk counselor -- but she may have just taken it
so the counselor would leave her alone.

As she entered the abortion center, she handed the
packet to a Planned Parenthood staffer -- who quickly
tossed it in the trash.

About 45 minutes later, however, the woman and her
friends came back out. "They made the mistake of
letting her see the ultrasound picture," said one of
the friends, "and she couldn't go through with it."

The group then asked if they could have another
information package. "She wasn't planning on keeping
the child," the friend explained, "so now she needs
someone to help her." That's exactly what happened
next. The counselor told them of several nearby
pregnancy resource centers that could offer
assistance for this mother and her baby.

"As they left," said Jeanne in Sarasota, "they seemed
pleased. No direct action by any one of our sidewalk
counselors helped save this baby. But the potential
effect of the prayers of several people on the
sidewalk can't be dismissed."

The truth -- and in this case it was an ultrasound
picture that was worth much more than a thousand
words -- cannot be denied.

40 Days for Life vigil participants in Winston-Salem,
North Carolina didn't have to say much to the woman
who arrived for an abortion appointment. She was
still in the early stages of pregnancy, but a
counselor told her that even at 21 days, her baby
already had a heartbeat.

"I had no idea," she said. "I never thought of it
that way." She immediately changed her mind.

Five Comments NOT to Say to a Birthmom

Have you ever wondered what to say to a woman who has relinquished her child for adoption?  Afraid to say the wrong thing?
Here are five comments NOT to say to a Birthmother who has placed a child in an open adoption.

I. "I could never place my baby for adoption."

This one used to make me cringe each time I hard it. I felt like I had failed at motherhood and the person making the comment has succeeded. That I must have been heartless to be able to do such an act. I felt inferior, like I need to prove something to them.
I have since learned I am not inferior, and I do not have to prove my mothering abilities to anyone. I believe now that comment has more to do with the person making it, than myself. Never has a woman secure in her role as a mother said that to me. Only the doubting, struggling-to-get-by mothers who feel that they must make such a declaration.
II. "What a wonderful gift you have given to a childless couple"
Try to see this one from the Birthmother's point of view. Now, I love my daughter's adoptive parents, but by no means did I place my first-born child as a 'gift' to a childless couple. I am not that nice, not that giving. When I clutched my nine-month pregnant belly with tears in my eyes, I did not recite the phrase, "Just think how I am giving a special gift to people I do not know".
When it comes down to the day when you hold your child for the first time, all thoughts of anyone else but your child and yourself fade away. There has to a higher reason for placement.
I gave Emily's parents as a gift to my daughter. That was my plan. That was my intention. Now, as an added benefit, I see her parents lives enriched by Emily's existence. Together, we celebrate the gift of knowing our daughter, Emily.


III. "You can have other children"
This speaker means well, I am sure, but this comment can strike the very heart of a Birthmother. Other children? You can never replace another child with another! To try and do so is to dishonor the child you have placed for adoption and the child you use to fill the void.
Let us remember our children. Let us celebrate them. We hold a special place in our hearts where their names will be etched forever.
No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you never will forget the one you did not.


IV. A lady once said to me, "That sure is 'nice' of her parents to let you see Emily."
My quick reply was, "That sure was nice of me to give them my baby!"
Needless to say she said nothing more. I try to educate people by telling them my story, even on days I do not feel like doing so. Some, I have learned, are not able to be very teachable on the subject.
Her attitude was that I should be grateful, as a dog is grateful to get scraps from the dinner table. I will not put myself in such a position. I refuse to be the silent shadow in the corner with my eyes downcast.
Aside from the fact my daughter's parents would never treat me in such a fashion, I am grateful to God. The open adoption I have with my daughter is like a gift from Him-a gift that I get to open each time I see her smiling face.


V. The fifth response a Birthmother does not want to hear is an awkward silence.
We want to talk about our children. We want to remember them. We know when you are avoiding it, and it hurts.
I love it when others ask me how Emily is doing and to ask to see the pictures from my recent visit. I enjoy swapping my labor and delivery tales with other mothers. By the way, I was in labor for forty-two hours with my Emily! Ouch!
It is okay to talk about the children we placed. We placed them for adoption. We did not place them out of our thoughts and hearts.
I do not wish to offend others, but to educate how a Birthmother may feel about these five comments. Since not every Birthmother is the same, some may disagree or not be affected by the above.
I hope by reading this article you will feel more confident and comfortable when speaking with a Birthmother. Please do not think we would rather not talk about our children. Silence is the first step to many on the road to shame.

© Skye Hardwick. ©2000.2001

pro-choice? really?

pro-choice? really? Posted: 05 Oct 2009 03:28 PM PDT This proves just what the women claimed to want…rights over their "own bodies." Well then why cant we say no to the Mercury adjunct killer vaccine if we want to? (At least I'm only harming one person, with abortion it's usually two!) The fact that the pro-choice people haven't said a word about this yet.…just shows where their mind is focused and what their agenda truly is. Just a reminder of some harms: These are just some of the ingredients used in production of vaccines: * Ethylene glycol — antifreeze * Phenol — also known as carbolic acid. This is used as a disinfectant, dye. * Formaldehyde — a known cancer causing agent *Aluminum — is associated with Alzheimer's disease and seizures, also cancer producing in laboratory mice. It is used as an additive to promote antibody response. * Thimerosal — a mercury disinfectant/ preservative. It can result in brain injury and autoimmune disease. * Neomycin, Streptomycin — antibiotics which have caused allergic reactions in some people. 7. These vaccines are also grown on and strained thru animal or human tissue such as monkey kidney tissue, chicken embryo, embryonic guinea pig cells, calf serum, human diploid cells (the dissected organs of aborted fetuses as in the case of rubella, hepatitis A, and chicken pox vaccines). 8. The problem with using animal cells is that during serial passage of the virus thru the animal cells, animal RNA and DNA can be transferred from one host to another. Undetected animal viruses may slip past quality control testing procedures, as happened during the years 1955 thru 1961. The polio vaccine, which was grown on the kidney of the African Green monkey (simian), was contaminated with SV40 (simian virus #40 — the 40th discovered) which differs from the prior 39 because it has oncogenic (cancer causing) properties.What other viruses could be slipping by from animal tissue, administered through vaccinations,that we don't know of? Mayer Eisenstein MD ——————————————————————————————————————————- If the pro-choice argument prohibits both men and the state from telling a woman what she can or can't do with her body when it comes to reproduction, why is it okay for men and the state of New York to tell her what she can or can't do with her body when it comes to immunization? Logically, for one to hold muster, the other must follow. . So where are they?  I haven't heard a peep, even from anyone  (except my libertarian friends) not even the usually irrepressible celebrity feminists. But it's not just an issue of women's rights. Requiring health-care workers to get the flu shot should put a scare into freedom-loving libertarians everywhere. As everyone knows, if you give the government an inch, they'll take 5,280 feet – where would this end? Do we force vaccination on school teachers? Bus drivers? Airport workers? Toll booth collectors? Doormen? Yet the libertarian blogosphere are the only place that care Need to hurry on this issue, before Arizona and Florida and Nebraska and the rest of the country join New York in forcing a vaccine on thousands of its residents. A number of states, including Iowa, Massachusetts and North Carolina, are already toying with the notion of forcible quarantines for flu patients, jailing those who refuse isolation, and warrant-less home entry in the interest of preventing a flu epidemic. New York is a poor, indefensible lab rat for this startling new nanny-state policy. If only the feminists and the libertarians (and even PETA perhaps?) could recognize the urgency of the problem, get over their differences, and come together in opposition to it.  Libertarians Sure are fighting it though!